.
A Draft of Death
Did Flavius not inform us
How a fart fetched fates enormous?
After Flavius Josephus’s account of a Jewish
Passover (ca 50 AD), when Ventidius Cumanus
was procurator of Judea.
While in Jerusalem a throng of Jews,
__Each present as a Paschal guest
Two decades after Jesus paid his dues,
__Had gathered for the Matzah-fest.
The Roman forces gathered there as well
__And scanned the crowd with roving eyes,
Should any Jewish element rebel
__And riots from the crowd arise.
A Roman soldier at the portico,
__Whose hate he scarcely could assuage
At Jews to him so odiously low,
__Did craft a ruse to vent his rage:
He lifted up his hinder garment’s shroud,
__Then cowered indecorously
Hurled insults with his breech toward the crowd
__And broke wind rather gloriously.
Whereon the Jews, aroused with rage and spite,
__Called Cumanus to fault the perp.
But certain Jewish youth launched an airborne flight
__Of stones, some justice to usurp.
So Cumanus, who feared for his own life,
__Dispatched more troops to the citadel
And temple courts, to quell emerging strife
__And chastise Jews for raising hell.
In the ensuing tumult, frightened Jews
__Rushed madly through the temple gates
Into the crowded city and paid their dues
__In currency of feral fates:
In panic, Jews by Jews were trodden down
__As they fled forces in the chase,
And thousands upon thousands in that town
__Fell dead in harrowing disgrace.
This celebration, then, in David’s town
__Turned tragic as it was torn apart,
Because a Roman soldier turned around
__And cursed the Jews with a ghastly fart.
.
.
Jeff Kemper has been a biology teacher, biblical studies instructor, editor, and painting contractor. He lives in York County, Pennsylvania.
I wonder if the word “flatulence” is related to Flavious? (I did not check it out, but it seems close enough.) What a terrible event. Your well-wrought poem doesn’t stink.
I doubt the connection and thanks for the vote of confidence.
It only takes one idiot to cause a tragedy, as is born out by your finely-wrought poem, Jeff.
Are we any more culturally sensitive today than that centurion? Alas, the daily news feed says otherwise.
I was reminded of the book ‘Flashman at the Charge’, where (spoiler alert!) the worse for wear main character farts, causing his horse to bolt with him on it, thereby initiating The Charge of the Light Brigade.
Thanks for the read.
Thanks, Paul. I first heard of this incident in a book my wife found for me that is a history of the fart. I agree with you that mankind is no less barbaric than ever before.
Jeff, I love this multi-layered poem with a grand pun of a title (hilarious) that appeals to me on many levels. I like the form… it’s inspirational yet not as easy as it looks to replicate. I also love the subject… it appeals to my base sense of humor, but also carries with it a sophisticated warning… much is said between the adeptly woven lines. I couldn’t help but compare it with modern times… from a very different perspective. I hope you don’t mind my poetic liberty below – I simply couldn’t resist.
A Draft of Daft
Old farts are apt to cause a White House stink.
Their Brandon blasts of bull-shite guff
Fuel yaps that flap before lame brains can think –
This dodgy, sniffy-duffer stuff
(The color of a scoop of chocolate chip)
Blows ill winds harsh enough to sink a ship.
Your “Draft of Daft” is hilarious; I love it!
Thanks for your kind words regarding my piece. I’m glad you like it.
Farts have always been a traditional non-verbal way to show contempt for something. Another one is spitting, or (as in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet) biting one’s thumb.
Giving someone the middle finger (which the Romans called the “digitus impudicus”) survives right up to today. In South America, holding your thumb and index finger in a circular shape, with the remaining three fingers elevated, is a way to call someone an asshole. President Reagan, on a trip to Latin America, waved his hand with this gesture to a large crowd, because as a North American he thought that the gesture was a way to show approval for their cheering (he later apologized, saying “In the U.S. it just means A-OK!”)
I didn’t know that the middle finger was such an ancient form of expressing contempt!
Kemper’s “A Draft of Death” does go to show
What every Jewish heart already knows:
That colonizing Rome did lack a soul—
’Twas reared from schmucks with the brains of assholes.
Indeed it did.