‘Homeric Hot or Not’: Poem by Morrison Handley-Schachler

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Homeric Hot or Not

(Hotness Ratings Out of 10)

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10
By birth divine and radiantly tressed
And beautiful and of a charm possessed
That turns men into pigs if she’s inclined,
A better girl than Circe none can find,

10
While of the boys, for clever, handsome, strong
Odysseus all female hearts must long,
He’s only yours on loan, though, not for life,
And will not quite forget he has a wife.

9
Of other women, Helen’s the most fair.
Her face can pay her passage anywhere.
Such gorgeousness has never loved in vain.
She’s trouble but she may be worth the pain.

9
And Diomedes is a catch as well,
A warrior with valiant tales to tell.
No other hero boasts the deeds he’s done,
Who fought the Gods of Love and War and won.

8
Briseis is a joy to hear and see,
A comely lady, full of sympathy.
To have this gentlewoman at their side
Some men have fought and other men have died.

8
There is a good man in amongst the rest.
If that’s your thing, Patroclus is the best,
Good-looking, wise and skilful in the fray,
Noble and kind – and just a trifle gay.

7
Although you met her in the realm below,
An old celeb who gets a cameo,
You won’t get Ariadne round you curled.
Not in her league? You are not in her world!

7
Achilles is majestic but beware:
Till Time lays down his scythe a grudge he’ll bear.
Apologies he’ll gracelessly refuse.
For him life is a game which all must lose.

6
To moral patience an embodied hymn,
Penelope is dutiful and prim,
Loyal and to be trusted not to stray,
A little dull, but faithful anyway.

6
He must with some fine talents be inspired
Who won the woman many men desired
But stay with him? She’d rather start a war.
This Menelaus must be quite a bore.

5
Devoted, helpless, poor Andromache
Is clinging and dependent as can be.
Can she protect your child when you are gone?
That’s not a theme you’ll want to think upon.

5
Meriones must surely know his place:
He’s second fiddle to the double bass,
An extra on life’s stage and, so you know,
A pretty thug. It’s best to let him go.

4
Take leave of Chryseis while still you can.
Her father is a very jealous man
And well connected too, which soon will make
Such problems that with sickness you will shake.

4
Big Ajax will—what ev’ry woman fears—
Embarrass you by bursting into tears
And when that doesn’t work, as you will see,
He does the silent treatment perfectly.

3
Schooled is Calypso in seduction’s art
But think of this: if she besieged your heart
For seven Springs and seven Autumns long
And could not capture it, there’s something wrong.

3
Hector with fatal courage is endued.
He’s reckless, stubborn, proud and often rude
And never listens and, to tell the truth,
A widow he will leave you in your youth.

2
Cassandra may look lovely on your arm
But this sweet damsel is a bad luck charm
And if her eyes meet yours you can be sure
Your death is destined to be premature.

2
Prestigious Agamemnon, King of Men,
Will try to steal you from his friend and then
Upset your father and, be in no doubt,
His wife will kill you both when she finds out.

1
I won’t cut Clytaemnestra any slack.
She’s sleeping with your mate behind your back
And, rather worse, should once the chance arise,
The pair of them are plotting your demise,

1
While as a trophy Paris is a flop.
His parents know he’s a deceitful fop.
His girlfriend scarcely likes him any more.
His judgment might be sound but hers was poor.

0
Ah, gentlemen, avoid the Siren’s lair.
For she will break your heart and strip you bare.
A song is cheap, however bright the tune,
And life too precious to be sold so soon.

0
And Shepherd Polyphemus is so rough
That never meeting him at all’s enough.
He has a savage mien, a soul as grim.
He is a monster. Stay away from him.
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Morrison Handley-Schachler is a retired Chartered Public Finance Accountant and Lecturer in Accounting. He has a doctorate in Ancient History and has published articles on ancient Persian history, accounting history, financial crime, auditing and financial risk management. He lives in South Queensferry, on the outskirts of Edinburgh, Scotland.