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Probing for the Problematic Polyp
Bob was testy yesterday.
__A fractious, famished fellow.
You would be, too, if all that you
__consumed was juice and Jell-O.
He downed the colon cleansing drink.
__The consequence was troubling.
The gaseous gurgling wouldn’t stop.
__His whole inside was bubbling.
The joy of colon cleansing! Ah,
__there’s no way to mistake it.
The sprinting to the toilet bowl
__in hopes that you will make it.
The doc began the protocol.
__Bob’s tush was fresh as clover.
He bared his ass, inhaled the gas,
__and blink! The job was over.
Now, please excuse me if I get
__too personal and pushy.
But when you’re older, you must let
__the doctor check your tushy.
Procrastination can produce
__a searing, psychic wallop.
Dawdle and you might induce
__a problematic polyp.
The gastroenterologist,
__in truth, is your best friend.
They’ll snip your troubles to prevent
__a sad, untimely end.
They’re tactful and professional.
__Permit me to remind you,
they’re loyal to their patients. They
__will always stand behind you.
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Previously Published in The Road Not Taken: The Journal of Formal Poetry
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The Wifflepoof Tree
A whippoorwill sits
in a wifflepoof tree.
He dreams all day long
of the things he can be.
His song is so sweet,
it can make monkeys cry.
His wings are so strong,
they can conquer the sky.
The tree, on a branch,
has a bowl full of seeds.
It’s filled every day,
so he has what he needs.
He thinks, “If I leave,
there’ll be none left for me.”
So he sits all day long
in the wifflepoof tree.
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Mark F. Stone worked as an attorney (active duty and civil service) for the United States Air Force for 33 years and is retired. He began writing poems in 2005, as a way to woo his bride-to-be into wedlock. His poems have been published by Light, The Ohio Poetry Association, The Road Not Taken: The Journal of Formal Poetry, the Society of Classical Poets, Whatfinger News, Ric Edelman’s The Truth About Your Future podcast, and the Seeking Alpha Alpha Picks podcast.
The Polyp poem should be prescribed for all men over 50. This would make the ordeal much easier to bear. Thanks for a large dose of humor to start the day.
Warren, You’re welcome. Mark
More genius comedy from the great Mark F Stone: that last line is sheer joy – ‘They
__will always stand behind you.’ Ha ha ha!!! Er… on a more serious note: hope you are well Mark and it’s not you that’s had the recent inspection!
James, It was me, but it was just a routine, preventive screen. All is well. Thank you for asking. Mark
“Probing for the Problematic Polyp” is a wonderful humorous poem on a touchy subject. I loved the rhyming word “tushy” and phrase (the doctor) “…will always stand behind you.” “The Wifflepoof Tree” would be perfect in a book of poems for children.
Roy, I’m glad you liked them. Mark
The polyp poem has great rhymes and gave me a good laugh.
Cheryl, Excellent. Thank you. Mark
Probing for the Problematic Polyp is indeed an important reminder, especially for men, who tend to procrastinate more and hope it’ll ‘go away’. Thanks for that, Mark.
And thanks for The Wifflepoof Tree, in the grand Lewis Carroll tradition.
Paul, You’re welcome times two. Mark
Mark, the “Probing” poem is a humorous masterpiece of colloquialisms in a most suitable lyric form, with alternation of masculine and feminine rhymes. However, its very cleanness belies the dark depths of doctor depravity. A couple of years ago, I had a problem that needed diagnosis, and I was referred to three specialists. Two listened to my symptoms, looked at results of tests already done, and determined what to do (one said the other should do it). When I arrived at gastroenterology, a TV was constantly replaying a 5-minute commercial for everyone to have a colonoscopy by age 45, and repeat it regularly thereafter. Office staff began to schedule one for me before my two-minute visit with the doctor. He did not even want to know symptoms for which I had been referred. “I will do a colonoscopy and solve it!” I did not like the idea of an invasive procedure as panacea by a doctor unwilling to practice evidence-based medicine, so I tried to leave, but staff would only allow me to do so if I signed an agreement for a colonoscopy within 6 months. I did not return.
This was not the only colonoscopy shop. I know two men and one woman who suffered disastrous hospitalizations after obediently following all recommendations. A series of surgeries was the norm. The least fortunate fellow lost 12 inches of colon, which then collapsed and no longer functioned. Treatment was an indefinite extension of the hospital stay, and another operation to explore the situation. The poor guy said, “Would they have done anything different if I actually had cancer?”
It seems that gastroenterology has moved beyond useful cancer screening, to grab as much money as possible with numerous expensive and risky procedures. This is similar to allergists in the past. Until insurance companies limited payment, children could not breathe without twice-a-week office visits. Now allergies can be managed by parents for months at a time, and the number of medical students choosing allergy as specialty has declined greatly.
Right now there are non-invasive means to screen for colon cancer. A colonoscopy should be step 3, not step 1, and not a universal health requirement. More advanced and accurate ways to screen for all cancers are in use, but not as standard-of-care paid for by Big Medical funding.
Thanks, Mark, for providing the opportunity to say so! I couldn’t have written it in a poem as clear and amusing as yours.
I fully agree with you, Margaret. Medicine has changed from a service focused on individuals, to an industry focused on maximizing profit. It’s infuriating.
Margaret, I’m sorry for your horrible experience, and I’m glad my poem gave you the opportunity to express your anger and frustration. Mark
Mark,
If this poem were printed out and given with the colonoscopy instructions to all patients, I think the entire ordeal would be a bit less traumatic. Humor is essential medicine.
Thank you.
Gigi, Perhaps I’ll offer the poem to the gastroenterology department. Excellent idea! Mark
Mark, both of these poems have thoroughly entertained me – “Probing for the Problematic Polyp” (what a great alliterative title) had me laughing. I would never have thought a colonoscopy could stir the Muse into producing such a wonder. I must say, however, I do hope the poem hasn’t got a dark message I’m missing… and I do hope you are well.
My favorite of the two is “The Wifflepoof Tree” – I love the aural appeal of the wifflepoof word, which pairs so beautifully with whippoorwill. It’s a quirky and engaging poem – the sort that appeals to adults and children. For me, the eternally full bowl of seeds is symbolic of a welfare system that stops many achieving greatness. I love it!
Susan, I’m glad you found both poems to be entertaining. The procedure was a routine, preventive screen; I am fine. I share your interpretation of the second poem. Mark
I really enjoyed both of these wonderfully humorous poems.
Cynthia, Thank you very much for the kind words. Mark
I had a good laugh reading your first poem, Mark. Not only the subject matter, but the witty rhyme pairs (pushy, tushy; fellow, Jell-O, wallop, polyp, etc) intensify the comedy. Your second poem’s light approach is commendable, and it is the kind of poem that can cheer someone up who’s witnessing a rainy day. Thank you for the poems!
Shamik, You’re welcome. I hope you have a sunny day today. Mark