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Black Friday Before Christmas
Many of the stories are real ones from the Internet.
‘Twas the month before Christmas right after Thanksgiving.
I ate lots of turkey. I really was living.
I decided to go to the big shopping mall
To buy gifts in advance that would this year enthrall.
The parking was full on this dark shopping day.
At last found a place nearly one mile away.
The drivers were rushing all over the place
In search of a much closer “good” parking space.
I jumped as they pushed on their accelerators.
I wanted to live and could make it home later.
Two cars from each side saw a space and converged.
Unfortunately, the two cars got merged.
The doors to the mall were to open at six.
When I got there I saw they were gone in the mix.
There still was a line where the doors used to be.
I started to think, what could happen to me?
I don’t need to visit Pamplona in Spain.
There’s nothing like fighting with cows in the rain.
The pushing and shoving by young and the old
Broke the glass on the case where the perfume was sold.
It wasn’t the men who were making a fuss.
I never knew sweet-looking ladies could cuss.
I retreated and thought I will find a new store,
While the women were tearing the clothes others wore.
I left J.C. Penney and headed for Sears.
I hoped I could make it in spite of my fears.
The clothing on sale was all gone in a flash.
One grabbed a bathrobe and the other the sash.
That was the last item and size didn’t matter.
I decided to leave and avoid the blood spatter.
I grabbed the last laptop on sale at Best Buy
At the same time as hands from another mad guy.
We struggled to take it from off the top shelf
As two more zoomed in, but I fought for myself.
I knew I could not put it in the store cart.
I had to pay quickly and quickly depart.
I watched as a woman with full can of mace
Began to spray others right into their face.
I hoped she did not want the laptop I found
Or else she would spray me right down to the ground.
It goes without saying this shopping was scary
I only escaped with the things I could carry.
A man who was reaching to get a TV
Was bitten in back from a woman and she
Must have thought he was getting the whole blooming pile,
But sixty or more were still there in the aisle.
They arrested the lady, or so I presume.
The man had to find an emergency room.
I wanted to eat, and stopped at the Food Court
But I soon realized I would have to abort.
The tables were full. There was nowhere to sit.
They mostly were men who from shopping had quit.
I tweeted it out “At the mall no one’s here!”
And soon was unfollowed by those I hold dear.
I fled from the mall and I searched for my car,
While carrying bundles, it now seemed so far.
“This will be the last time that I shop on Black Friday.”
I vowed to myself, shook my head in dismay.
I sighed from my car as I drove out of sight,
Go visit the mall if you’re ready to fight.
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LTC Roy E. Peterson, US Army Military Intelligence and Russian Foreign Area Officer (Retired) has published more than 6,200 poems in 88 of his 112 books. He has been an Army Attaché in Moscow, Commander of INF Portal Monitoring in Votkinsk, first US Foreign Commercial Officer in Vladivostok, Russia and Regional Manager in the Russian Far East for IBM. He holds a BA, Hardin-Simmons University (Political Science); MA, University of Arizona (Political Science); MA, University of Southern California (Int. Relations) and MBA University of Phoenix. He taught at the University of Arizona, Western New Mexico University, University of Maryland, Travel University and the University of Phoenix.
Wow Roy – This is a great advertisement for shopping online. Funny and enjoyable somehow, perhaps since I’m not there. Good work.
These scenes were taken from actual stories I read on the Internet. I appreciate your comments.
This is a hilarious poem, Roy, which really nails the tsunami of shopping stress that comes crashing in on the day after Thanksgiving. The narrative, rhyme and meter are all skillfully sustained through ten stanzas, peppered throughout with laugh-out-loud funny (and observant) lines. You wisely ended the poem with “ite” rhymes like the original, tempting me to want to add the line “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” But such merry thoughts would be contrary to the vexed spirit of your stressful retail experience. Hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving and that your Black Friday is mellower than in years past.
Ah, you understood the poetic form of “The Night Before Christmas.” Your comments are always interesting and greatly appreciated. I did stay home both days and enjoyed them without a fuss. I am sure you had a great time this Thanksgiving and Black Friday, as well. So glad our sense of humor is in synch.
I’ve seen the news reports down the years, now I’ve read the poem.
Thanks for the entertaining read, Roy.
Thank you, Paul, for your validation of having seen reports of such shenanigans at the shopping stores and malls!
This poem gave me such a good laugh! Very clever.
Cheryl, your comments made my day. I enjoy writing humorous poems.
You nailed it with this one although I’m sad to admit that I still fall into the Black Friday trap. Maybe next year I’ll have the strength to sit it out.
Bless you for braving the storm and storming the citadels of the mall.
Very clever, Roy! You make a strong case for sitting at home and shopping online. Amazon never looked so good!
Thank you, Rusty, for the kind comments! I have to agree with you.
What a good laugh! And so masterfully told. Thank you.
Thank you, Rohini!
Roy, what a comprehensive catalog of “month before Christmas” calamities! I’ve heard of doors broken down and injuries suffered, but you seem to have gathered special intelligence. Just once did we receive a present somebody had to buy on Black Friday. It was a pogo stick for my son. There is a very limited quantity of pogo sticks because even near Christmas they are not in great demand. Coordination, strength, and balance are required to use one, but in his gymnastics heyday, Charles could do it, and very much appreciated his uncle’s getting up early and standing in line for the gift. For myself, as I am never ready to fight while shopping, I tend to go to specialty stores with few customers. Thanks for confirming my preference!
Thank you for sharing those stories, Margaret, and kind comments!
As a hardened military veteran, Roy, this experience must have been shocking! Forget the Russian front, forget NATO training manoeuvres in Estonia, heck – Roy – you should be leading them into this fray: that’ll toughen ’em up! Very droll!
I love your comments, James. I have a true military story about one of my experiences scheduled for posting tomorrow (December 2), although it is not a fighting one, but rather a game played with the KGB.
Well, I laughed…this site has a pretty high poetic standard, and this is funny.
I’ve had fun with the idea of Black Friday when I was selling stuff. (“Everything black is half price! Well, a black blanket with rainbow colors on it qualifies. A book with a mostly black cover qualifies. A Black doll dressed in red qualifies. A book with black lettering on a white collar…nahhh.”) Some people don’t seem to be having fun at all.
But it did annoy me, this year, to see commercial web sites rushing the season and blethering about “Black Friday week.” Some of us prefer to observe THANKSGIVING week, thank you very much!
I agree Black Friday should begin only after Thanksgiving. Thank you for your kind comments.