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Auntie Barb
—a pantoum
She cuts the cheats and charmers to the quick—
Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.
She’ll scupper every swindler’s slickest trick
Before the scoffers have a chance to blink.
Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.
Acerbic quips will shrink the overblown.
Before the scoffers have a chance to blink
Her bark will bite through hubris to the bone.
Acerbic quips will shrink the overblown.
She’ll skewer snooty coots and preening cocks.
Her bark will bite through hubris to the bone.
She has no time for feather-fanning flocks.
She’ll skewer snooty coots and preening cocks.
She’ll strip a naked emperor of his airs.
She has no time for feather-fanning flocks—
Her duty is to truth because she cares.
She’ll strip a naked emperor of his airs.
She’ll scupper every swindler’s slickest trick.
Her duty is to truth – because she cares
She cuts the cheats and charmers to the quick.
.
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Uncle Frank
—a triolet
He seeks to save the world from sin
Beginning with the brutal truth—
He’ll flush out frauds and hush their spin.
He seeks to save the world from sin
Plotting as he swigs his gin
With passions of a super-sleuth.
He seeks to save the world from sin
Beginning with the brutal truth.
.
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Cousin Felicity
_She sips from the fanciest goblets,
_Quaffs hooch from a flute for Champagne—
Two ruinous rumors reveal that her schooners
_Are groaning with gut-rot from Spain.
_Her bargain-brew fizzes in crystal—
_An heirloom from emerald hills
She fills when she’s groggy with hair of the doggy
_Or red-eye her daddy distills.
_A grandiose grail holds her mule juice—
_A merciless nip with a kick.
The posher her chalice, the milder the malice—
_That’s why all her stemware is slick.
_Her paramour buzzes with ardor
_The snazziest snifters will spark—
Beaus always make passes at belles with cut glasses
_That brim with the whim of a shark.
.
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Brother Dick
—a rondeau
He’s never wrong. He’s always right.
This guiding ray of chiding light
Pursues his pearly place on high.
His sermons soar where piglets fly
With guttural and gassy might.
He froths with spite. He aches to smite
His sinful kin—one soulless night
He’ll teach those hell-bound bums just why
__He’s never wrong.
At Sunday lunch his pitch takes flight.
His ever-swinish appetite
For telling naughty mortals why
The heavens sigh and heathens fry
Stirs the saints and curs to bite—
__He’s never wrong!
.
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Susan Jarvis Bryant is a poet originally from the U.K., now living on the Gulf Coast of Texas.
Most families are a pastiche of colorful divergent relatives, some like the imaginary (?) family you skewered with humor and gripping satire. What fun to read these creative assessments and ponder my own family tree.
I’m glad you had fun reading these, Roy. Thank you! “There’s nowt as queer as folk” as they say up North in the UK… and how entertaining it is to be a part of the weird and wonderful human race.
Susan, these are delightful confections, each one as witty and effective as the others. That’s not easy to do with a gathering of four poems on essentially the same subject (people who are pains in the ass).
And the names! How utterly appropriate — the aunt has a barbed tongue, the uncle is offensively frank, the cousin’s felicity lies in her alcoholic habits, and the religionist brother is a real dick. As the old Latin saying goes, “Nomen est omen” — a name is a sign.
There’s so much to comment on by way of analysis and critique here, but let me start with the kaleidoscope of drink-diction in “Cousin Felicity.” Look at all the words for drinking vessels: goblets, flute, schooners, crystal, grail, chalice, stemware, snifters… and finally “cut glasses” in that very deft allusion to Dorothy Parker’s famous couplet on girls who wear glasses. Besides this, there are the varied terms for alcoholic beverages: hooch, Champagne, gut-rot, bargain-brew, mule juice.
I haven’t heard the word “hooch” since the 1960s, and even then it was from a very old Noo Yawker born in 1895. As for “schooner” (as in a schooner of beer), I have only read the word in print, but I have never heard it spoken. Susan, your vocabulary is out-of-sight, and shows immense knowledge and reading.
The third quatrain of “Auntie Barb” is as savagely refined as a sharp slap in the face. Wow! If “Auntie Barb” had been written by a guy, we would be hearing complaints about “toxic masculinity” Great work, Susan!
“Brother Dick” is perfect portrait of the busybody religionist who takes it upon himself to chastise the world about how it is not living in accord with his personal scriptural interpretations.
These four poems remind me of the “Character Sketches” of Theophrastus, a contemporary of Aristotle who described unpleasant or foolish personality types of his day. Theophrastus wrote in prose, and many European writers who followed his example did the same. You on the other hand have put your “character sketches” into delightfully varied forms of verse — a pantoum, a triolet, a rondeau, and a disguised limerick (that’s how I scan “Cousin Felicity”).
This work is true fictive mimesis. It looks at the world as it is, chooses elements from that real world and creates imagined but probable fictions and scenarios out of that material, puts it all into clear and intelligible language that amuses and entertains the reader, and satisfies the reader’s desire for order, symmetry, and verisimilitude. No abstractions, no ideologies, no messages, no agendas, no lessons, no urgent pleas.
This is top-notch work, Susan. And they are a true pleasure to see.
Joe, what a wonderful comment. Thank you most kindly. I just love your perspicacious observations, and I am particularly enamored with your wise eye on the name front. I chose those names with care and glee, so I’m glad they didn’t pass you by.
I also appreciate your attention to the names I chose for liquor and drinking vessels. Hooper’s Hooch was a brand name for alcopops brought out in the nineties in the UK to lead teenagers astray… and it worked. The teenagers loved it, and the towns began teeming with pie-eyed party pups rolling in the gutters. As for the schooner, my grandparents introduced me to that word. They allowed themselves two pre-dinner sherries each evening. As they grew older, their sherry glasses looked smaller. They traded them in for huge schooners holding thrice the amount… happy in the knowledge they were still only drinking their set quota.
I am eager to look up Theophrastus. The beauty of being on this site is the comments section. It’s comments like yours, Joe, that send me on journeys I relish, and for that I am most grateful.
So umm, when you chose Frank, that was with care and glee, because we all know that, umm, never mind, that’s okay. Maybe you were thinking of Hank, and you, well, you know, could have chosen Archie or George, or Henry and ah, so that’s where Hank came from. I see now. Aah, change it to Hank, or Henry as the opportunity arises. No rush.
😉
Frank, I hear your concerns and have embraced them with care and glee. Having pored through endless lists of potential replacements for dear old “Frank”, I’m leaning towards a name of my own making – Uncle Blunt. I think Auntie Barb and Uncle Blunt were born to get this wonky world back on track. How could they do any worse than the virtuous experts paid a fortune to do what Barb and Blunt do freely and happily?
Great works of colorful characterization, with your characteristic rollicking alliteration adding to the humor.
Cynthia, thank you for your encouraging comment, and I just love the word “rollicking” – I don’t think I’ve used that one in a poem… yet!
Susan – If this is your family, please invite me to dinner sometime! All great stuff! The very clever Dorothy Parker reference and “Her duty is to truth because she cares” are my favorites of many great lines. Thank you!
Russel, it would be a joy to have you as guest at my poetic dining table. Such a visit may well inspire your Muse. I was thinking of sitting Auntie Barb next to Brother Dick, and Cousin Felicity with Uncle Frank… or perhaps Brother Dick should sit next to Cousin Felicity. I do love a post-entree fireworks display. A goblet of grog should get everyone in the mood for mayhem. Russel, thank you!
Joe said it perfectly for me, young lady (thank God), and I’m ready to admit that you’re getting pretty darn good at this. While all 4 are outstanding and SJB-clever, my favorite is ‘Cousin Felicity’. A gorgeous and very classy gal of this very sort came very close to dumping me back into the field of ‘single men’ a few decades ago! Thanks for the laughs, 🙂
Mark, I’m thrilled you enjoyed these, and especially happy that Cousin Felicity made you laugh. I have a little of her in me… I must drink my tea from bone china, and I simply have to put out an array of fine cutlery at every meal… even a barbeque. Thank you very much for making me smile.
And the editor’s art selection is a perfect fit for this work, Susan.
Margaret, you are spot on – Evan has the golden touch when it comes to matching pictures with poems, and he’s done a magnificent job here. Thank you, Margaret, and thank you, Evan!
Ditto to all said above including the choice of graphic. Expertly penned as always, Susan. Thank you.
jd, thank you for your encouragement and your appreciation. Your lovely words always spur me on.
What a pleasurable sunny read! Poetry is alive!
Michael, what a beautiful comment – one I am most grateful for. “A pleasurable and sunny read” is exactly where I was heading with these – I’m glad you enjoyed my wacky words. Poetry is alive! Thank you!
Susan, please forgive me for not submitting a more detailed comment. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed these character portraits and your astonishingly masterful use of various forms for each. Of all these characters, I like Aunt Barb best. I find there to be a certain similarity in truth-seeking, bullshit banishing qualities between Barb and the poet. It’s clear her character and her mission have engaged your sympathies. And mine. Well done!
Brian, thank you very much indeed. It’s always great to receive the benefit of your fine eye, and I will admit to having an affection for Auntie Barb. How many straight-talking, quick-witted, sharp-tongued aunties are left in this self-censoring world? And yes, there is a dash of Auntie Barb running through my veins. I am reminded of a story of my cherished late grandmother. She bit the head off an incredibly rude and snooty family member to my delight. When I told her I wished I could be as forthright, she told me to be patient, this gift comes with age and it’s one of the great assets of growing older. Brian, I think I’m getting to that magic age… speedily!
Those poems. They’re just to die for. And all the good comments taken already. Well, may I say, Susan, that as I read them aloud, I was inspired to chuckle and chortle and cackle and roar. To giggle, guffaw, tee-hee and more.
I would love to hear a talented voice actor, one could roll those R’s from Kent to Glasgow recite this. “Two ruinous rumors reveal” and for fun, “groggy with the hair of the doggy”.
Brava! Brava! I throw virtual roses onto your stage.
Frank, what a beautifully musical comment that has brought an extra ray of sunshine to my Saturday! I am going to revel in my virtual roses until (diva-like) I offend all around me with the sort of hubris Auntie Barb will have to crush. Frank (what a lovely name) thank you!
Excellent as ever, Susan, and you’ve inspired me. Poems about family members are now added to my poetry “to do” list!
Dave, it’s great to hear from you and I’m thrilled my poems have inspired you. A little advice from one who has chew marks on her ears, don’t forget to change the names and genders – relatively (pun intended) easy in these shapeshifting times of wonder. Thank you!
Sadly, most of my relatives are no longer here. But there has to be enough memories for a sonnet or two! My presence on this and other sites has been a bit fleeting recently, due to family stuff (appropriately enough.) Till that changes, I look forward to my visits here, and your work is one of the reasons.
Dave, I’m so glad you are a regular visitor and I hope you return soon with poems born of the wisdom this wacky, wild, and wonderful world always offers us. I believe we the people, with all our quirks and foibles, are excellent sources of amusement… especially in poetry form. Dave, I hope everything is running smoothly for you soon and thanks again.
Susan
I admire your clever wordplay. Love, love, love the exact rhymes and artful alliteration. These wonderful vintage song-forms with their dizzying repetitions are challenging to compose. When written with verve by a skilled poet like yourself, they are a fabulous festival of fantastical fun!
Sincerely,
Mary Jane (Myers)
Mary Jane, thank you so very much for this wonderful comment ” a fabulous festival of fantastical fun!” is high praise indeed from a poet of your caliber. I am going to wear it as badge of honor and strut my insufferable stuff all Sunday afternoon. I’m over the moon!
After very recently visiting the National Portrait gallery in London I had the saying that, ‘a picture paints a thousand words’ already in my head so one thought led to another and that is, that you Dear Susan, with much fewer but of course expertly chosen words, can paint exquisite portraits that go far beyond surface appearances.
Maria, you have just flown me to my homeland with this beautiful comment. I have spent many hours at the National Portrait gallery – I’ve been in love with it and its location since the age of eight. To have just one of my poems painting an exquisite portrait that goes far beyond surface appearances, is the stuff of my Muse’s dreams… you have made my day. Thank you very much indeed!
Lol, quite the family gathering you so artfully described! We don’t get to choose family, but we do get to choose how we relate to them. I’m glad that you choose to relate humorously and artfully, even with the imaginary ones.
Yael, thank you most kindly for your sagacious comment. Choosing to relate to the challenges life presents with humor and poetry propels me forward on life’s path of painful potholes. A smooth ride is what I’m after, and attitude goes a long way to purchasing a ticket to peace.
I love these family portraits, Susan — everybody loves a good foible. And if you can find Fred Chappell’s Family Gathering in your local or regional library system, then you will be treated to some excellent work in the vein of what you have given us here.
Thank you very much, C.B. – I’m thrilled you enjoyed these, and I am most intrigued by the book you mention. I’m on a library-system mission.