Doomsday… or Not?
The Green New Deal is out there, and Bernie says it’s true—
there’s only twelve more years left for the likes of me and you
to curtail carbon footprints and cure the ailing earth
by living lives of paucity, deficiency and dearth;
shunning all air travel to posh, exotic climes,
cooking on dung fires and shutting down the mines,
relishing bean burgers and banning buns with beef
coz cattle cutting cheese will bring apocalyptic grief;
trading roaring engines for sturdy walking shoes,
so long as they’re not made from any bovine beast who moos.
Let’s not forget the plastic and the drastic aftermath
of oil embroiled production that paved the green warpath;
so, switch off every cell phone and damn PCs to hell,
quit wittering on Twitter and break the Facebook spell;
turn off the heat and air-con, trade your brick house for a shack—
if you want a longer future you’re compelled to travel back
to Neanderthal conditions, so now’s the time to choose
to pine in pious penury, or crack a vat of booze,
then book a one-way ticket to an island soaked in sun
and bask in global warming for twelve more years to come!
Superfood Sonnet
When they deemed caffeine the health fanatic’s fiend,
I dashed my skinny latte to the floor.
When my utter love of butter was demeaned,
I banned that spread from bread forevermore.
When chocolate was the rocky road to ills,
I blocked this shocking sin from drooling tongue.
On news that wine blinds minds and often kills,
I shunned my Chardonnay and Sauvignon.
But coffee’s now the fitness guru’s friend,
and butter is much better than once thought;
a chunk of chocolate they now commend,
And for prolonging life wine should be sought…
so, I’m scoffing and I’m quaffing as I chortle;
with my new menu, I’m sure to be immortal!
Coulrophobia
“Clowns are the pegs on which the circus is hung.”
—P. T. Barnum
It is met with amusement, confusion and frowns;
my skin-crawling fear of those crazed circus clowns.
As a kid it was easy to quell the torment
by shunning the hell of the Big Top’s striped tent.
But sadly that dread now pervades adult days
in a flurry of wily and worrisome ways;
for these jesters infest and pester our lives
in a stunningly, cunningly clever new guise.
Gone are hooped trousers and a flashing red nose,
they are now donning dashing and fashionable clothes;
but beneath the chic weave and crowd-winning spin
lurks a foul stench of slapstick and custard-pie grin.
As they promise the moon on a slick silver spoon
I see through the trick to the loony buffoon;
thus my therapist’s talk of pending remission
has been quashed by the tosh of the arch politician!
Susan Jarvis Bryant is a church secretary and poet whose homeland is Kent, England. She is now an American citizen living on the coastal plains of Texas. Susan has poetry published in the UK webzine, Lighten Up On Line, The Daily Mail, and Openings (anthologies of poems by Open University Poets).
Highly entertaining, Susan! “to pine in pious penury or crack a vat of booze”–hilarious!
Oh, the dilemma! Thank you for your kind comment – I’m thrilled it made you laugh!
The political commentary is spot on! You’ve raised the bar on humor in poetry. Just beautiful and the internal rhymes are delicious.
Many thanks, Mike. I’m glad you enjoyed the internal rhymes – I always challenge myself to go that extra mile for a smile 😉
All of these are delightfully amusing. Health food freaks and climate-change fanatics need to be skewered.
One question: Should the word be “twittering” (instead of “wittering”) in line 14 of the first poem?
Thank you for your appreciation and like-minded sentiments. On the “witter” front, that word was intentional – I thought the pointless chat and chatter definition went well with Twitter. Maybe that’s my English interpretation… I’d be open to changing it for US consumption.
Thanks again.
Thank you Susan for a line by line smile. I wish I had written it! Thoroughly enjoyable and, reading Joseph’s comment, it may be that ‘wittering’ is not in common use in the US. It was common during the years that I lived in UK. There is something absolutley inconsequential about the ‘witterati’ – they produce a kind of sibilant background noise. Very entertaining and skilful writing.
I thoroughly appreciate your astute observations and absolutely love the sibilant background noise of the ‘witterati” – what a delightful image that conjures.
Thank you very much for your encouragement.
Susan, I really enjoy you brand of humour, and especially the internal rhymes of “Superfood Sonnet”. My only question in regard to “Superfood Sonnet” is whether in line eleven the word ‘commend’ should be recommend?
Many thanks for your appreciation and observation on the commend/recommend front. You make a very good point – it’s certainly good for thought
Actually, “commend” is OK, because it means “to present or mention as worthy of confidence or attention.” But “recommend” would work as well if “now” is excised. “my utter love of butter” is precious in the best sense of the word. Why is it that, nowadays, only light verse is held to the highest standards of metrical precision? Is it possible that we find strict attention to detail to be an object of humorous ridicule?
Yes, C.B. – referring to your last sentence and applying it, beyond poetry, to the general breaking of society rules, it does seem that we live in iconoclastic times. Dissidents rule.
Oh my gosh THANK YOU! These put a huge grin on my face!
I’m thrilled they made you smile. I believe that humour eases the pain of living in crazy times.
And I think that pain, in a perverse way, engenders gallows humor, which is pretty much the same thing. At the end of the day, you should take comfort in knowing that you have made people laugh by speaking the truth. It’s the best medicine.
C.B. Anderson, thank you very much for your encouragement, appreciation and astute observations. It’s wonderful to find a site that understands and promotes the marvel of form, and, more importantly, accepts and encourages freedom of creative expression – a rare luxury in this PC age of forced conformity. I’m honoured to be part of this admirable community.
You’ve got a real talent, Susan. All three pieces are very fluidly written; no part of any line feels forced; and it’s admirable the way each line flows effortlessly into the next. And all topped-off with a healthy dose of wit, humour and sarcasm.
Quality stuff!
Monty, thank you so very much for your fine eye for detail and your appreciation. I had such fun writing these, it heartens me to think my poetry brings almost as much joy to those reading them.