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‘Twas the Day After Christmas
‘Twas the day after Christmas. Mom went to the store
To return all her presents and gift herself more.
The stockings still hung on the big mantle there,
While she was out shopping with nary a care.
The children were playing with their Christmas toys,
While Dad had on earphones to cover the noise.
He sat on the couch and turned on the TV
To watch a few bowl games, whatever they be.
Meanwhile in the stores, there arose quite a racket
As women unloaded each shopping cart basket.
Then up to the windows they flew in a flash
Returning their gifts in the hopes of some cash.
The lines in the stores seemed a half a mile long,
While women explained all the things that were wrong.
They dug in their purses to find the receipts
When they got to the window with increased heart beats.
All at once at the window, the women were quick
Explaining the problems caused by old St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles excuses now came;
Mom told them like throwing dodge balls in a game:
“Now dash it all, lady, I am not a jerk.
The customer’s right, now be a good clerk.
Just take back this gift and just let me return it
And if you don’t then right here watch as I burn it.”
And then, in a twinkling, the manager came,
And said to the clerk, “Well, we must be to blame.
Hit the ‘override’ button that’s on your computer
And give her the cash. I am sure that will suit her.
Then happy at last see the women depart
With cash in their hands. They have made a good start
To shop in the stores and buy more brand new presents,
Forgetting what happened and all its unpleasance.
Their eyes! how they twinkle. Their dimples how merry!
To get back to shopping for all they can carry.
Shelf stockers put out the returned merchandise,
That is quickly resold and nobody is wise:
They tag all the items once bought at discount
With a regular price for a greater amount.
So everyone’s happy. Store managers smile
(Except checkout lines are at least a half mile).
When evening comes, the store’s empty again.
And smiles dance on faces of plastic snowmen.
You can hear them exclaim as they leave for the night,
“Merry Christmas to all!” as they drive out of sight.
.
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LTC Roy E. Peterson, US Army Military Intelligence and Russian Foreign Area Officer (Retired) has published more than 6,200 poems in 88 of his 112 books. He has been an Army Attaché in Moscow, Commander of INF Portal Monitoring in Votkinsk, first US Foreign Commercial Officer in Vladivostok, Russia and Regional Manager in the Russian Far East for IBM. He holds a BA, Hardin-Simmons University (Political Science); MA, University of Arizona (Political Science); MA, University of Southern California (Int. Relations) and MBA University of Phoenix. He taught at the University of Arizona, Western New Mexico University, University of Maryland, Travel University and the University of Phoenix.
Great stuff, Roy. My favorite line is “Their eyes! how they twinkle. Their dimples how merry!” I ventured to Wal-mart the day after, where women were scouring the shelves for whatever bargains they could find. At the local dollar store it was like a bomb went off.
Wonderful comment, Cheryl, and love your validating comments.
Thank you for this fun poem, Roy. Sorry it took me two days after Christmas to get to this wonderful piece but I’m much enjoying it now that I’m here (even though in real life I cannot abide retail hell.) I enjoy your reworking of the Clement Clark Moore poem. Someday this too will be a period piece once our overlords close all the brick-and-mortar stores and everything is done through Amazon and its drones. Then we’ll look back on this poem of retail torture and smile at the good old days.
Perfect way to suggest such a retail commemoration, Brian! I too fear the loss of such former pleasures as walking and shopping in stores and malls.
This makes a nice pair of poems with your “Black Friday Before Christmas,” both in before-and-after time and retail-rush topic. Such a madhouse at the mall, with crowded corridors and half-mile lines! I’m very happy to say I stayed home to read and write in peace and quiet, with family members shopping in my place and getting great bargains for a merry Second Day of Christmas. A happy Third Day to you, Roy, especially since you need not write another shopping poem!
I promise I am through with writing shopping poems, Margaret! Thank you for noticing the pair I wrote.
Egads, Roy! Consumerism is the religion of consumers as cancer is the province of the tumors. Your anapests are fine, the season is divine, and the signs of our decline are only rumors.
I loved your rhyming line a lot. I am with you on “the signs of our decline are only rumors.”
I’m impressed with the close parody of the original! Even the slant rhymes are great (“racket” / “basket”). And I have to say this is the first time I’ve seen a poem pair a good rhyme with “computer.” I’m sure the cash will indeed “suit her”!
Thank you for your perceptive comments, Rachel! I am not sure when I had rhymed something with computer. It just kind of emerged as I was thinking. I know how much getting the cash and spending on other things can suit a person.