.
Without a Dad
Without a Dad, you are not sure,
And never know you could endure
The many doubts that blur your sight,
Or fears that stalk you every night;
If he’s not present, there’s no cure.
And then there is the world’s allure
That offers all that is impure;
You will not know just how to fight
__Without a Dad.
It’s lonely and it’s insecure,
And without him you’re less mature.
A smaller build, a size that’s slight,
Yet few will ever know your plight,
Cause you’ve become far more obscure
__Without a Dad.
.
.
Sometimes I Fly
Sometimes I fly, and I know why:
I spring from sin to cling to sky,
And as I’m wrapped up in that blue,
The world is focused into view,
And I have gained a sharper eye.
I do not have to be too high
To see the ways of men belie.
Because I pray for what is True,
__Sometimes I fly.
Below the ground is rough and dry,
An empty space, a mournful sigh,
Where diverse souls are warped askew,
And what is vile is viewed anew.
Because I want to live, not die,
__Sometimes I fly.
.
.
Gregory Ross is an emerging poet and a pilot who lives in Stafford, Virginia.
This could be a pair of rondeaux on related themes. There are heartbreakingly perceptive images of the child “Without A Dad” as one who shrinks and vanishes. In “Sometimes I Fly,” I love the line, “I spring from sin to cling to sky.” This is one rondeau where the requisite two rhyme sounds appropriately include relevant words: “high” and “new.” The poem would be better, though, with a direct object for “belie” in line 7.
You are one who thinks and that is a powerful tool. Listen to Margaret; she knows whereof she speaks and her comments are always wise. Please keep submitting. You can learn a lot and a friendly one.
“Without a Dad” resonates with true feelings of what it must be like to not have a dad around who hopefully would teach and give moral support. “Sometimes I Fly” is a perfect poem for someone who is a pilot! Classical poetry is a great release for the soul that not only assuages our own needs, but provides a voice that helps others with the sharing! You have done this admirably.
You have chosen a challenging form to express your thoughts in. That’s great. For the most part, your rondeaux are very well written. Since I am a poet and an editor, I have some suggestions, which you are quite free to ignore or improve on. I often revise my own poems and I am always trying to improve my abilities. As someone once said, a poem is never finished, just abandoned. This might not be completely accurate, but it has some truth to it.
Moving “without” improves the meter:
It’s lonely and it’s insecure,
And without him you’re less mature.
It’s lonely and it’s insecure—
Without him you are less mature.
Adding a direct object after “belie” improves the grammar. You can probably think of a better way to phrase it.
I do not have to be too high
To see the ways of men belie.
Because I pray for what is True,
Sometimes I fly.
I do not have to be too high
To hear the words of men belie [contradict/misrepresent]
The ones who pray for what is True.
Sometimes I fly.
Adding a comma after “below” prevents misreading:
Below the ground is rough and dry,
Below, the ground is rough and dry,
Keep writing!
Thank you all for the comments and advice – I’m always improving! I will be updating these poems on my end.
I agree with Alan Steinle regarding meter, but I’m not sure what to think about the idea of the first one, as your description of a father is so unlike mine (he was extremely helpful in many ways, but what you describe was not one of them), so I think it would resonate with a fairly limited audience in today’s world.
The second is largely abstract concepts; these have their place in poetry (see my poems “Encapsulations” and “Rhyming Maxims for Today,” parts I and II), but I’m not sure the rondeau is the best form for them. I would have chosen a simpler form such as quatrains with fixed rhyme and meter (examples: iambic tetrameter couplets, common meter abab).
However, these are good starts. My first few poems were not as good as the ones that came after them; this is natural because we learn a lot from both reading and writing poetry. Keep it up!
Gregory, on second thought, you might want to replace “belie” with a different rhyming word since that word is used only in special cases.
I’m always trying to improve, too. I will have some new poems published on this website in about a week, and you can critique them if you feel like it. 🙂
I very much enjoyed these two poems, Mr Ross… thank you!
Thank you, Peg!
I found “Without a Dad” very poignant. My father died when I was 10. I’ve no doubt that it radically altered the whole course of my life. 64 years later, I am grateful for the life I’ve had, and count my blessings (and they are many, including a stepfather who was a good, decent man.) But there will always be that unanswerable, inevitable (though maybe futile) “what if?” Your poem asked that question anew, in an effective way.
Thank you, David!