Humor

. The High Cost of Low Prices Poetry is what I treasure. Books of poems give me pleasure, but my grief’s been hard to measure, since I did some shopping. “50 Famous Poems”---nifty! Now on sale for just $ 2.50. I should revel, since I’m thrifty, but my mood is...

. Sonnetized “Why poetry?” My chair leans in his chair And slides me a sabbatical-swelled smirk. The past nine months I’d shouldered all his share So he could spend his patriarchal perk In penning pap not destined to see light. “A couplet is a manageable cup “To nurse while nursing...

. Limerick China’s footballers haven’t a clue why they can’t go and get a tattoo, but I think it might be it’s since President Xi is afraid they’ll choose Winnie the Pooh. . . This Urge for the Truth We strive for trusted knowledge in the guise of Truth, but...

. Fleet of Foot Pheidippides A Grecian runner named Pheidippides, From Athens, ran to Sparta with a plea. “We need your help to fight the Persians, please!” But Sparta sent him back with, “Nosirree!” Two-hundred eighty miles is what he ran, For four or maybe five days he was gone....

. The Dark Knight I’ve always held the Queen in high esteem, Her ever-classy, never brassy aura Shines noble splendour on the regal scene And blesses folk who openly adore 'er. Today the corgi-hugging monarch’s task Of knighting U.K.-hater, traitor Blair, Left baffled subjects hankering to ask Her Majesty if...

. So It Is Written The books that I have owned for many years, Still sitting on my shelves or stored in boxes, Have yellowed pages—damaged belvederes— With covers bearing pale mildewy poxes. I’ve read them all, but such a heavy toll Humidity inflicts on sheaves of paper, A nuisance...

. 20/20 Vision You’re lurking in the shadows with a wink. I see your flute of crystal, hear you pop Your cork as spirits soar and keen arms link To strains of Auld Lang Syne as clock hands stop. In moonlight, while lips melt in midnight’s kiss, You sashay in as glasses ring and rise With toasts to bright tomorrows---future bliss In highs and sighs as...

. The Dodo of Mauritius This island nation scarcely can be proud Of avifauna lacking common sense, Surviving only in the perfect tense, Their right to life, existence disavowed. With beaks immense, these pigeons well endowed, Why did they never peck in self-defence? Their dovelike mildness giving no offence, They...

. Anyone But You The phone may ring; The call will bring __Anyone but you. The mail will come; It will be from __Anyone but you. A text may buzz; I’m sure it was __Anyone but you. Oh, this is dire; I don’t desire __Anyone but you. . . Crunch...

. The North Pole's on Lockdown ‘Tis the night before Christmas; it pains me to say--- The North Pole’s on lockdown before the big day. The elves have been furloughed and fester in bed. The toy factory’s folded and Rudolph is dead… Poor Prancer and Dasher and Dancer are lame. An arrow struck Blitzen...

. The Tunnel to Australia It’s raining every day in Merrie England. It’s falling from the sky most every day. But I’ve just heard about a place that’s burning, In a country that’s so very far away. I’m sure that they could use some extra water. This stuff that’s lying...

. Hedge Theory The hedge plants are trimmed by a gardener with shears As they have been, like clockwork, for twenty-five years. Yet they push out new shoots in continuing hope Of extending their reach through the fence on the slope; Protruding through uprights, with glossy new tips, Their ruby...

. Twelve Chaucerian Limericks for Paul Freeman Some pilgrims went riding to Kent, And here’s how the journey was spent: As they traipsed through the dale They each told a tale Of sacred or worldly intent. Some of the stories were clean, And others absurd or obscene. Whether gentle or...

. Critical Race Theory It’s quite amusing when some first Defend it with persistence, Then---feigning that they’ve not reversed--- Deny its whole existence. . . Federal Government Logic The National Park Service says That animals should not be fed, Since it ends self-sufficiency When handouts can be sought instead. Meanwhile...

. A Spider in My Room In the corner, there's a spider Between the ceiling and the wall. Its legs are long, its body small, Seeing it there my eyes grow wider, Fearing it to be the kind Of spider I’ve been warned about. I swallow back a piercing shout...

. . Bidenflation to the finale of “Tomorrow” from the musical Annie Fuel prices go up Tomorrow Bet your shrinking dollar that tomorrow They will soar! Inflation will rise Tomorrow All the things you shop for Will cost more! The money you slaved To save Is worth less The government’s...

. There Was a Free Nation That Swallowed a Lie sung to the tune of "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" . https://youtu.be/luLcKkCHWFo There was a free nation that swallowed a lie. I don’t know why they swallowed that lie. Perhaps they’ll die. There was a free...

. Maria Montessori Seldom felt hunky-dory. Her vision for education Fell short of inspiring a nation. . King George the Second It has often been reckoned Would have been more fecund Had more mistresses beckoned. . King Henry the Eighth, Defender of the Faith, Would have happily run a marathon...

. The Devil and the Hounds of Hell Over and over in the gloom of night, In degrees of Celsius or Fahrenheit. From deep in the middle of a hard-won sleep, An evil entity begins to creep. A dark, diabolical serpentine, Slithers and simmers along my spine. Travelling slowly up...

. What Is Truth? a pantoum To keep us blind and riven You falsify the facts. You will not be forgiven--- These are a tyrant’s acts! You falsify the facts Promoting news that’s fake. These are a tyrant’s acts--- Our liberty’s at stake! Promoting news that’s fake, You think you...

. We Are in for Another Covid Christmas! We are in for another Covid Christmas: __Lockdown tales of woe. ____Now forbidden to fly his sled __Santa is drenched in dread And Rudolph’s rosy nose has lost its glow. We are in for another Covid Christmas: __Fear is here again ____Cloaked...

. Failure to Strive Do, or do not.  There is no try. —Master Yoda We’ve traveled far, or so it seems to those Of us who shy from setting distant goals Requiring passage through unending rows Of thornhedge in a maze that tries our souls. We make what’s easy look...

. Elemental, My Dear Slight air and purging fire, the first my thought, the other my desire. ---Shakespeare, "Sonnet 45" I am of air and fire wrought, though I am drawn to water like a dowsing rod. Carousing through thought’s realm, I am a fly, zigzagging near and far to...

. The Biden Oil Refrain As President, on his first day, He closed old Keystone down, Then shut off Arctic drilling, Forty-thousand jobs left town. He cancelled key oil leases, Barred new highly needed ones, And then was shocked gas prices saw Inflationary runs. “C’mon man” he begged OPEC, “Please...

. On Mark Twain's Birthday He piloted a Mississippi steamboat, Then panned for gold and sailed around the world. He authored tales of rogues and slavery’s stain But now is damned for all the things he wrote. Because the charge of “racist” has been hurled, The woke think we should...

. CDC: Urgent Directive Dillard “Sparky” Barker Is a Doc at CDC. It seems he’s done a study That is sad for you and me. “Accidental deaths are At an all-time scary high. And just because we care We had to find the reason why. If you’ve had the jab...

. My Raven My Raven is a different bird. I guess he learned a different word Than Poe’s that uttered “Nevermore.” My Raven tells me, “Furthermore.” “Alright” I said “what do you want? Why did you choose my place to haunt? Why are you sitting at my door?” My Raven...

. Permanent Power Plan Scene: While Joe Biden is taking notes, the Statue of Liberty appears and gives him ideas. STATUE OF LIBERTYGive me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… BIDENBid them leave to reach our Southern border.Come one, come all, per Presidential order. STATUE OF LIBERTYThe wretched...

. Who’s the Villain Now? My poems drip with vitriol and gall,Each stanza driving home a heartfelt curse—A side-effect of drinking alcohol Incessantly.  I lack the wherewithalTo temper my intemperate temper; worse,My poems drip with vitriol and gall Since I’ve become an angry man in thrallTo stiffer drinks and grudges...

. Old? Hell No! in a thick British accent __It's bin three years an’ a day, __Since the Mrs. passed away, I still see ‘er face afore me smilin’ kindly. __For a while I wasn’t right, __I’d awake most every night, From a dream where I was searchin’ for ‘er...

. We went to a gender reveal. And we had an exceptional meal. __But the host was forlorn __when she unhusked her corn. It was pink instead of blue-teal. Her emotions were on full display. They should have been tucked far away, __entrenched in her chest __or deep in her...

. At the COP26 We all have piled up at the COP,For in a day the World may stop!No really, that’s what voters sayAnd that’s enough, so I’m here today. We must turn up or all goes pop—And yet I find my eyelids drop… Out in the cold, young Thunberg...

. For Better or for Worse? Poetic genius, swallowed from a bottle; Ingested from an opiate-filled pipe; Imagination speeding at full-throttle; A pleasure-domed Romantic archetype. No LSD or fentanyl required; No Kona Gold, Red Bull, or crack cocaine. As Byron said, “Whenever I was tired Laudanum, beer and wine removed...

. Biden Has an Accident at the Vatican Ubi Petrus, ibi Ecclesia: Where Peter is, there is the Church. Ubi Bergoglius, ibi merda: Where Bergoglio is, there is excrement. I came to see the Pontiff. He is a head of state. The Vatican is tiny but it has a lot...

. "Let's Go Brandon" People don’t want to say “F--k” When dealing with President Schmuck. So they say “Let’s go, Brandon” instead To a leader who’s nearly brain-dead. They know that the subject’s a moron More likely to doze off and snore on Than govern our fifty great states And...

. When I crave from my enclave something to eat (Not apples or peas or muffins or meat) I steady my stare at my pantry’s archive And spot a great lot that’ll keep me alive. In my haste for a taste of the finest cuisine I select my elected morsel...

. The cats are creatures of a liberal kind, For on the laps of commie artists, you’ll find Them. Coffee too you’ll find in their domain, Not to drink so much as to maintain Their fashion, always looking lovely, cool, And to that end they will use any tool. On...

. BOO! I feel a fleshless presence: A faceless, soulless call To tomb-doom acquiescence Beyond a graveyard wall, Where ghoulish effervescence And ghostly iridescence In moon-kissed opalescence Enthrall at evenfall. I hear an eerie sighing. It jars me to the bone: A petrifying crying Beneath a marble stone. The moan is terrifying. The tone is mystifying. What spook is occupying The dust-and-ashes zone? I feel grim goosebumps prickle. My knuckles burn bright white. Cold sweat begins to trickle. I’m riding tides of fright. I’m in an awful pickle; The reaper’s whispers tickle...

. Dead Puppies On a break from the propaganda mill I found puppies I thought I could kill, So I shot them with zombie-rich juice--- I am Fauci, I need no excuse. I just couldn’t believe how they screech, So I cut all their cords that make speech And returned...

. To all the tough women in Texas who actually know how to handle guns. My daddy got the job for me. He wanted me to work. And daddy’s got a lot of social clout. I told him “When it comes to guns, I’m just a worthless jerk!” He answered,...