Humor

. Where Did I Lose My Mind? I just found my glasses on top of my head. My iPhone had dropped to the floor from my bed. The car keys I lost were much harder to find. Oh, where in the world did this fool lose his mind? My shades...

. A Note to Karen It’s been a bumpy ride, With bruises long endured By both the groom and bride. At last, my heart is cured Of you, and I am much Obliged that you agree Our lives should never touch Again, so now I’m free To say what’s on...

. Bottle Battle Blues When baby cries (as does his ilk), I pacify my son with milk. One day the milk would not pass through the nipple as it ought to do. I think the bottle bore a grudge. That liquid clot just would not budge. I told it, “I...

. Aromatherapy This tale concerns an English Lass, Who signed up for an evening class, “There’s money to be made” said she, “I’ll try Aromatherapy.” So, every Winter, Wednesday nights, She headed for the city lights. Where on the back seat of her car, Were many bottles, tubes and jars....

. And so, Minnie Mouse will impress in pantsuit and flat heels, no less. __But what of the vision, __of Mickey's transition in heels and a polka-dot dress? . . Paul A. Freeman is the author of Rumours of Ophir, a crime novel which was taught in Zimbabwean high schools and...

. Missed Call O Muse, would you call back another time? My little boy, armed with a sharpened stick, winged with a blanket, sure that he can fly, is leaping off the countertop to try things unattempted yet in prose or rhyme. Poems are slow to grow, but kids are...

. Starbucks Villanelle Will someone call an order for Elaine? I have a bunch of stuff I need to do. The wait today is driving me insane. This one dude wants a pinch of sugar cane. I can’t believe he’s holding up the queue Will someone call an order for...

. On the Cost of Doing Evil I care not if the sky burns red and human flesh is seared. I pray that all souls will just rot as many long have feared. I wait for when the birds don’t fly and locusts take the grain. I hope the fertile...

. Toasting Burns    His words ring out from windswept glens. __They lilt from lapping lochs. I see love through his red-rose lens; __I hear the midnight clocks In castle nooks chime Auld Lang Syne __As kilted suitors croon To bonnie lasses rapt with rhyme __Beneath a Highland moon. His words will please till seas gang dry __And rocks melt wi’ the sun. They soar beyond Ben-Nevis high...

. The High Cost of Low Prices Poetry is what I treasure. Books of poems give me pleasure, but my grief’s been hard to measure, since I did some shopping. “50 Famous Poems”---nifty! Now on sale for just $ 2.50. I should revel, since I’m thrifty, but my mood is...

. Sonnetized “Why poetry?” My chair leans in his chair And slides me a sabbatical-swelled smirk. The past nine months I’d shouldered all his share So he could spend his patriarchal perk In penning pap not destined to see light. “A couplet is a manageable cup “To nurse while nursing...

. Limerick China’s footballers haven’t a clue why they can’t go and get a tattoo, but I think it might be it’s since President Xi is afraid they’ll choose Winnie the Pooh. . . This Urge for the Truth We strive for trusted knowledge in the guise of Truth, but...

. Fleet of Foot Pheidippides A Grecian runner named Pheidippides, From Athens, ran to Sparta with a plea. “We need your help to fight the Persians, please!” But Sparta sent him back with, “Nosirree!” Two-hundred eighty miles is what he ran, For four or maybe five days he was gone....

. The Dark Knight I’ve always held the Queen in high esteem, Her ever-classy, never brassy aura Shines noble splendour on the regal scene And blesses folk who openly adore 'er. Today the corgi-hugging monarch’s task Of knighting U.K.-hater, traitor Blair, Left baffled subjects hankering to ask Her Majesty if...

. So It Is Written The books that I have owned for many years, Still sitting on my shelves or stored in boxes, Have yellowed pages—damaged belvederes— With covers bearing pale mildewy poxes. I’ve read them all, but such a heavy toll Humidity inflicts on sheaves of paper, A nuisance...

. 20/20 Vision You’re lurking in the shadows with a wink. I see your flute of crystal, hear you pop Your cork as spirits soar and keen arms link To strains of Auld Lang Syne as clock hands stop. In moonlight, while lips melt in midnight’s kiss, You sashay in as glasses ring and rise With toasts to bright tomorrows---future bliss In highs and sighs as...

. The Dodo of Mauritius This island nation scarcely can be proud Of avifauna lacking common sense, Surviving only in the perfect tense, Their right to life, existence disavowed. With beaks immense, these pigeons well endowed, Why did they never peck in self-defence? Their dovelike mildness giving no offence, They...

. Anyone But You The phone may ring; The call will bring __Anyone but you. The mail will come; It will be from __Anyone but you. A text may buzz; I’m sure it was __Anyone but you. Oh, this is dire; I don’t desire __Anyone but you. . . Crunch...

. The North Pole's on Lockdown ‘Tis the night before Christmas; it pains me to say--- The North Pole’s on lockdown before the big day. The elves have been furloughed and fester in bed. The toy factory’s folded and Rudolph is dead… Poor Prancer and Dasher and Dancer are lame. An arrow struck Blitzen...

. The Tunnel to Australia It’s raining every day in Merrie England. It’s falling from the sky most every day. But I’ve just heard about a place that’s burning, In a country that’s so very far away. I’m sure that they could use some extra water. This stuff that’s lying...

. Hedge Theory The hedge plants are trimmed by a gardener with shears As they have been, like clockwork, for twenty-five years. Yet they push out new shoots in continuing hope Of extending their reach through the fence on the slope; Protruding through uprights, with glossy new tips, Their ruby...

. Twelve Chaucerian Limericks for Paul Freeman Some pilgrims went riding to Kent, And here’s how the journey was spent: As they traipsed through the dale They each told a tale Of sacred or worldly intent. Some of the stories were clean, And others absurd or obscene. Whether gentle or...

. Critical Race Theory It’s quite amusing when some first Defend it with persistence, Then---feigning that they’ve not reversed--- Deny its whole existence. . . Federal Government Logic The National Park Service says That animals should not be fed, Since it ends self-sufficiency When handouts can be sought instead. Meanwhile...

. A Spider in My Room In the corner, there's a spider Between the ceiling and the wall. Its legs are long, its body small, Seeing it there my eyes grow wider, Fearing it to be the kind Of spider I’ve been warned about. I swallow back a piercing shout...

. . Bidenflation to the finale of “Tomorrow” from the musical Annie Fuel prices go up Tomorrow Bet your shrinking dollar that tomorrow They will soar! Inflation will rise Tomorrow All the things you shop for Will cost more! The money you slaved To save Is worth less The government’s...

. There Was a Free Nation That Swallowed a Lie sung to the tune of "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" . https://youtu.be/luLcKkCHWFo There was a free nation that swallowed a lie. I don’t know why they swallowed that lie. Perhaps they’ll die. There was a free...

. Maria Montessori Seldom felt hunky-dory. Her vision for education Fell short of inspiring a nation. . King George the Second It has often been reckoned Would have been more fecund Had more mistresses beckoned. . King Henry the Eighth, Defender of the Faith, Would have happily run a marathon...

. The Devil and the Hounds of Hell Over and over in the gloom of night, In degrees of Celsius or Fahrenheit. From deep in the middle of a hard-won sleep, An evil entity begins to creep. A dark, diabolical serpentine, Slithers and simmers along my spine. Travelling slowly up...

. What Is Truth? a pantoum To keep us blind and riven You falsify the facts. You will not be forgiven--- These are a tyrant’s acts! You falsify the facts Promoting news that’s fake. These are a tyrant’s acts--- Our liberty’s at stake! Promoting news that’s fake, You think you...

. We Are in for Another Covid Christmas! We are in for another Covid Christmas: __Lockdown tales of woe. ____Now forbidden to fly his sled __Santa is drenched in dread And Rudolph’s rosy nose has lost its glow. We are in for another Covid Christmas: __Fear is here again ____Cloaked...

. Failure to Strive Do, or do not.  There is no try. —Master Yoda We’ve traveled far, or so it seems to those Of us who shy from setting distant goals Requiring passage through unending rows Of thornhedge in a maze that tries our souls. We make what’s easy look...

. Elemental, My Dear Slight air and purging fire, the first my thought, the other my desire. ---Shakespeare, "Sonnet 45" I am of air and fire wrought, though I am drawn to water like a dowsing rod. Carousing through thought’s realm, I am a fly, zigzagging near and far to...

. The Biden Oil Refrain As President, on his first day, He closed old Keystone down, Then shut off Arctic drilling, Forty-thousand jobs left town. He cancelled key oil leases, Barred new highly needed ones, And then was shocked gas prices saw Inflationary runs. “C’mon man” he begged OPEC, “Please...

. On Mark Twain's Birthday He piloted a Mississippi steamboat, Then panned for gold and sailed around the world. He authored tales of rogues and slavery’s stain But now is damned for all the things he wrote. Because the charge of “racist” has been hurled, The woke think we should...

. CDC: Urgent Directive Dillard “Sparky” Barker Is a Doc at CDC. It seems he’s done a study That is sad for you and me. “Accidental deaths are At an all-time scary high. And just because we care We had to find the reason why. If you’ve had the jab...

. My Raven My Raven is a different bird. I guess he learned a different word Than Poe’s that uttered “Nevermore.” My Raven tells me, “Furthermore.” “Alright” I said “what do you want? Why did you choose my place to haunt? Why are you sitting at my door?” My Raven...

. Permanent Power Plan Scene: While Joe Biden is taking notes, the Statue of Liberty appears and gives him ideas. STATUE OF LIBERTYGive me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… BIDENBid them leave to reach our Southern border.Come one, come all, per Presidential order. STATUE OF LIBERTYThe wretched...

. Who’s the Villain Now? My poems drip with vitriol and gall,Each stanza driving home a heartfelt curse—A side-effect of drinking alcohol Incessantly.  I lack the wherewithalTo temper my intemperate temper; worse,My poems drip with vitriol and gall Since I’ve become an angry man in thrallTo stiffer drinks and grudges...

. Old? Hell No! in a thick British accent __It's bin three years an’ a day, __Since the Mrs. passed away, I still see ‘er face afore me smilin’ kindly. __For a while I wasn’t right, __I’d awake most every night, From a dream where I was searchin’ for ‘er...

. We went to a gender reveal. And we had an exceptional meal. __But the host was forlorn __when she unhusked her corn. It was pink instead of blue-teal. Her emotions were on full display. They should have been tucked far away, __entrenched in her chest __or deep in her...