Humor

. The Knitted Dress I began with the best of intentions, Though in hindsight I have to confess, That the scope of my project’s dimensions Were a little ambitious I guess. I imagined an intricate pattern, In a beautiful lacy design, To accentuate curves but not fatten, Close-fitting, but not...

. A Musical Offering When Bach arrived at Sanssouci, King Frederick said, “Sir, you must be tired. My fortepianos may help to revive you. Please, come play.” While Bach was busy at the keys, the king presented him a tease: “My dear Herr Bach, I’m wondering if you could do...

. A Temporary Exhibit A million drops of water will be sprayed Across my yard today. And each of them Will capture the refraction of each blade Of grass, each dandelion leaf and stem. Each image is reversed and upside-down, Of course, and everything that I can see That stands...

. Masks When tourists arrive in our village, The question that most of them ask, Is, “Why is it all of your menfolk, Are walking around wearing masks?” Well, it started way back in the sixties, While their husbands were down at the pub. Their wives and their partners had...

. Left Outside The shopping cart, precisely ordered now while searching for those perfect little lines of lights for decorations---anyhow, I'm sure there must be something that combines with lights around the centerpiece to show a little flair, if not a little art. I shift my stuff and somehow, yes...

. Dear Death… Don't tickle with your sickle __Don't taunt me when I'm sick. Don’t make me writhe. Don’t spare the scythe. __Be slick and stick me quick. Don’t waltz me long and slowly __Through shawl-and-slipper pain. Zap me with a thunderbolt __Stark-naked in the rain. Don’t sneak me from between the sheets __Inanimate and...

. Requiem The notes we cherish most Are gathered from the throats Of those who perished young. The song we sadly toast Was sown from wanton oats, Disowned and never sung. . . Role Models __A forager is digging ramps Up on a sunny hill in Tennessee, __Philatelists collecting stamps...

. On Cats and Love My cat does not explain himself. He knows his reasons. Why must I? He needs to bathe while on a shelf Or hunt some trash? I don’t care why. I do not need to understand. I love him since he’s loyal, kind, And brings me...

. The Kakistocracy Does the news give you malneirophrenia, __but you've not been to sleep? Do you galumph all day around the house, __your mind in sorrows deep? Do politicians bring on crapulence, __but you've not had a drink? Is it those ultracrepidarians __who make you doublethink? All the solipsist...

. Shakespeare Re-placed Re-Verse Engineering In the picture above, SCP poet James A. Tweedie has taken the image of Venus from Botticelli’s Primavera and relocated her to the upstairs bathroom in his home. She seems quite happy, there. But what if he did the same thing to snippets from Shakespeare...

. Unchristian I hope you burn in Hell for nasty things You said to me, but if you don’t, I hope A host of energetic angel wings Will lash your eyes.  The blurry King of Kings, As toward His golden God-side throne you grope, For words you spoke, should wash...

. A Prayerful Pantoum for the Perpetually Pessimistic  "We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne."  ---Robert Burns For bellyachers belching bile this year For sourpusses (huffish and offended) I’ll pray for spines of steel and hearts of cheer--- A splendid year where rifts are swiftly mended. For sourpusses (huffish and offended) For...

. Mythological Limericks on Defloration . Venus and Adonis Adonis was cute as a berry And Venus was sexy and merry— __The boy said “No dice” __But without thinking twice She jumped him and popped the kid’s cherry. . Hades and Persephone Hades was hot for a missus And longed...

. Sleigh Rides Do Not a Christmas Make While folks down under get to ride their bicycles __And dine alfresco at a Christmas picnic, We blokes up over are avoiding icicles __And making every effort not to nitpick The ugly woolen sweaters Santa left behind. __Because we live in different...

. Dancing Bear I came late to the party. I should have stayed away. When I walked in, I heard the din of party in full sway. I cannot much remember what happened after that. ____I can recall ____The popcorn ball __Was playing with the cat. The women in short...

. . To a Budding Ode   with apologies to John Keats   . I’m in the mood to crack your odic code; To load your stanzas in the mode of Keats--- Acanthus leaf-fringed Grecian urns bestowed To you with rhythmic pipe and timbrel beats. My bardic bent may hit the odd...

. Red and Green . Red Tomatoes Tomatoes fresh or in a jar Must top the list of red by far. Good in various cuisine, Rich in healthy lycopene. According to a dietician, Cook to get the most nutrition. Add to any kind of dish, Steak or chicken, pork or...

. Are you looking for a good poem to read at your Christmas party or gathering? Is it a more serious or light-hearted event? Christmas poems come in a great variety of shapes and sizes. They can be short or quite long, such poet Talbot Hook's adaptation of Dickens' A...

. The Color Plaid At Christmastime, when I was just a lad Of eight or nine, my aunt would bring me gifts: Some books of course, and shirts—but always plaid. I’d little sense of tartan, clan, or rifts There might have been among those Scots back when They’d sooner fight...

. Limericks for Lame Cowboys A cowboy who came from Seattle, Had a habit of disturbing cattle. __The horse made a jump. __He fell on his rump, And now he can't ride in the saddle. The cowboy was brave and had pluck. The rodeo horse could sure buck. __The cowboy...

. There Are Not Enough Hours in the Day There are not enough hours in the dayto take all of the naps I want to take.As soon as I have sprung up from the hayI think I'd rather dream than be awake—so long as they are of the pleasant sort,not...

. The Ballad of Baldy McCass Canteen I From Utah to Colorado rode that wily desperado. Sometimes off to wild Wyoming or Nevada he went roaming. In late afternoons towards banks, high society’s rare ranks, coaches, too, slanted his shadow, having stolen o’er the meadow. Spring and summer, fall and...

. . The Eve of Thanksgiving ‘Tis the eve of Thanksgiving, and all through the class, The students are wishing the time would soon pass. Though it’s nodes, modes, and frequencies they’re told to find, Bright visions of turkeys sashay through each mind. Though the pencils are poised over notebooks...

. “United” Nations? The U.N. won’t condemn Hamas’s slaughter,Supporting those who want Jews underwater.Iran’s a U.N. human rights group head,Though it would like Americans all dead. Two U.N. questions thus remain unclear---Why we’re still in it, and why it’s still here? . . True Apartheid Leftists say Israel uses “apartheid,”Though...

. Ode to Old Tom Old Tom he stalks the English Dales, The Patron Saint of potent ales. He makes you wobble when you walk, He makes you gobble when you talk. He warps the function of your brain, The common-sense from you, he’ll drain. He makes you hang around...

. Poet Paul A. Freeman challenges you to write a nursery rhyme in the style of the Mother Goose classic "Jack and Jill." Below is his model example. Post yours in the comments below. . Nigel Neath Nigel Neath lost all his teeth Through eating too much candy; He threw...

. Word Witch She’ll tease and tempt with mystic words, __This foxy sorceress. Her syntax soars like sun-bound birds--- __This wizard poetess Casts slick linguistic spells that sing __Of Cupid’s carnal kiss. Her saucy muse is sure to bring A red, red rose and diamond ring, __But cannot conjure bliss. She’ll thrill and spill the sweetest sea __Of honey...

. The Great Sonnet I set myself to write a sonnet. I labored hard and long upon it. Sweet verse some maid might shed a tear at, More ere's than one could shake a spear at. I spoke of luv, both hers and his's With lots of thee's and thou's and tis's. "My...

. Mrs. Cyclops Ain’t really gonna leave. I’ll just pretend, Brontesa. Cy and I are bound. I simply Can’t bear to turn a blind eye to my mate--- Not even if our love-life’s off of late; Not even if his skin is coarse and pimply. At least not till his...

. Cystolitholapaxy Cystolitholapaxy (si-stow-luh-THAA-luh-pak-see): a procedure to break up bladder stones into smaller pieces and remove them “It’s Cystolitholapaxy for you, For guys of your age, it’s the best I can do. I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks, And give me a call if you get...

. The Truth about Fall Colors  I am October’s most submissive bitch, And just when I believed I’d struck it rich, The gold that hovered overhead was blown Away before I’d claimed it for my own. And now the maples turning scarlet red Will shed their leaves on every flower...

. Bunker Hill an excerpt from the forthcoming Legends of Liberty, Vol. 2 . The Eve of Battle The midnight moon. The month of June. A neck Of land. A hill of sand. A group of shadows With wheelbarrows—squeaking. “Quiet, heck!” —“No speaking—whisper!” Shovels out, they burrowed Ditches and raised...

. Blocked Though honeyed breezes warm the marble halls on Mount Parnassus, vainly do I search for writing on my January walls— molasses clogs my veins.  A different church, perhaps a fresh sodality of Muses would put things right.  It’s not that mine are quiet— they all speak up at...

. Season of Gall and Sticky Listlessness Autumn is upon us here in Texas. Her shy arrival’s destined to perplex us. Just like the voiceless aria of Spring, Fall’s muted presence doesn’t change a thing. All year we bear the brutal blare of heat Drumming to the sear of Summer’s beat, Roasting freckled necks till lobster red And toasting every thirsty flowerbed. Some cannot...

. Labyrinthine Bag My wife, bless her heart, went and bought me a bag with tons of compartments, and pouches, and pockets. But searching for stuff is a chore and a drag it takes me forever to locate my dockets. I don't mean to whine, and I do hate to...

. Rhyme Subprime I tend to rant against slant;maybe it’s something I can’t__embrace with affection__or write to perfection but I don’t mean sharing a thoughtin a sensitive way that’s not fraught,__using careful selection__without misdirection so meanings will clearly come throughin the way that I wanted them to,__with proper inflection,__enhancing connection...

. A Draft of Death Did Flavius not inform us How a fart fetched fates enormous? After Flavius Josephus’s account of a Jewish Passover (ca 50 AD), when Ventidius Cumanus was procurator of Judea. While in Jerusalem a throng of Jews, __Each present as a Paschal guest Two decades after...

. On Being “Chopped” On TV, watching the show “Chopped,” I see Three losing chefs go home each episode; And one who celebrates a victory For a dessert they called, “Shrimp a la Mode.” Imagine being a top-notch chef gourmet And hear your Crab Creole described as “bland.” Beneath Ted...

. Cantankerous Limericks on Good English Prose I love a complexly wrought sentence With phrases and colons that went thence __To make concise points __With their well-dovetailed joints And gave one no cause for repentance. Your prose should be sharp as a razor And cut through all crap like a...

. . Freedom high school algebra class; May 12, 1993 . A breeze blows in; it wisps my hair, And flutters papers in the air; It carries, with the scent of rose, A dream---and takes one as it goes. . Upon its wings the gentle breeze Transports sweet memories with...