Humor

. Bollical Dogs I have a complaint! T.S. Eliot hogs All the fun with his stories of Jellicle Cats! So let me (inspired by zoo catalogs) Write of beasts ripe for versificational chats. But shall I vaunt possums? Or groundhogs? Or bats? Of course not! I’ll write about Bollical Dogs!...

. A Freshman Pep Talk ---upon reading “Composers to Listen to While Studying,”by Andrew Benson Brown, in The Epoch Times, Nov. 2, 2024 You’re ready? Get down to it, cram the night through.What a loathsome idea! But think what will ensueif you don’t crack the books and pour over class...

. Oh, the Days Oh, the days of poop and vomit! My best dress had drool upon it While I walked my teething child Up and down the hall for miles. Oh, the days of poop and vomit! When the baby chose to not sit In a high chair during...

. Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic! Help! I can’t stop speaking in iambic Pentameter! No matter what I say, Somehow it keeps on coming out that way. It’s not the first time. Could it be a chronic Disease that targets poets? Tragicomic, Incurable, it constantly contrives To make...

. Christmas in Florida I watched him pass! St. Nick himself---Kris Kringle,Who hails from Buffalo, not the North Pole.He waved; I heard bells on his golf-cart jingleAs he sang karaoke rock and roll. That’s how it is here. Golf-carts in procession:New Jerseyites, New Yorkers, MichigandersWho’ve moved where tropic heat is...

. The Drift of Dark Days November is a time for us to grieve About the dying of the warmth and light, About the passing of our joie de vivre, As we await the bitter arctic bite. Near-perfect vees of fleeing geese are gone From curdled skies reminding us of...

. Fake Sales “Fifty Percent Off”The store signs all say,But I have to scoff---There is simply no wayThat the clothes I picked outFrom the “sale” in that store,Were---on this there’s no doubt---Ever one penny more. . . Didn’t Look There I looked everywhere,But it was no place,Except for right there---In...

. Celestial Potatoes Thanksgiving morning, poised I stand: near cutting board, honed knife in hand. My self-taught method must suffice: ten pounds of tubers, peel and dice, pot-boil, purée with whipping cream. They grace the table, reign supreme, snow-white, and soft as forest-moss, upstaging bird and cranberry sauce. If Heaven’s...

. Montana High School Reunion The big fella who grew up in Butte, Claimed his high school sweetheart was so cute, __Going back would be grand __A reunion was planned So he went out and bought costly boots. He came thinking about his old lover, But as soon as he...

. A Recruiter Tells It as It Isn’t Your World War One recruitment agent prays he finds you well. Your King and Country says we need you for a dalliance in France. In gay Paris, you’ll get to chat and dance with mademoiselles before you reach the Front. With pals,...

. Guy Fawkes Night Makeover November 5th! To Guy Fawkes let’s be kind--- no burning him in effigy this year. His hanged-and-drawn-and-quartered doom I find excessive; let’s reverse his fate most drear! His body parts (grim warnings to be loyal) return to London where they recombine. His entrails get un-burned,...

. I. I travel thanks to water, But do not float or sail. More quickly than an otter And have a smoke-like tail. What am I? . II>. II. When at the beach, I soak up sun, Look down on waves (that’s always fun), But sometimes I get carried away,...

. The Walk Whether you call it a walk or a run, some animals tread on the water for fun, to flee, chase their food, or show off for their mate. Grebes, doing a dazzling dance for their date, slap their lobed and impressively wide and flat feet on the...

. Their Principal Principle With their hideous lies and a gleam in their eyes They disable each new generation, For the best route to power in districts gone sour Is attacking the heart of the nation. . . Speak Up! I’m not afraid to be a bit transgressive When I...

. Consequences of Following Advice Advice can come in snappy lines __That have a fun refrain: “Let a smile be your umbrella,” __Though that won’t block cold rain. They tell us that “To err is human. __To forgive is divine.” But to forgive may let errors happen __Yet another time....

. Not the Same Thing Anymore Of most who go to school these days __It sadly must be stated, No longer can they be appraised __As being educated. . . Kids’ Most Common Mistake The most common mistake that young people can make __And some kids sadly do it a lot, Is believe...

. Autumn Reversed Once snowflakes have recrystalized,__they rise from where they fell;in Earth’s alternate universe__it’s early winter’s knell. The frost unfreezes, rain unfalls,__leaves littering the groundascend into the naked trees__and soon become unbrowned. As acorns torn from squirrels’ paws__unripen in the boughsof oaks de-ageing, dairy maids__unmilk the oom-ing cows. Then crops befall de-harvesting__and...

. What Mother Goose Neglected to Mention . A Soup Spoon Reflects upon His Past So the dish ran away with the spoon, we were told, __And he treated her well, bless his soul, But he realized, when he was tarnished and old, __That he should’ve run off with the...

. Cutie Pie Cat The pink-nosed face of Prospero my cat, Pink nose and white fur face, is what he rubs Against me, purring.  He does not know that I love him since he’s cute.  My finger scrubs His whiskers and his ears because I think He likes that kind...

. The British Museum The best sources repeat it, unending, For the scholars in every lyceum: Many art works, of nations unlending, Can be found in the British Museum. There are statues and weapons and baskets, Which could fill the entire Colosseum; Plus, amphoras and armor and caskets. All are...

. Devotions Night after night, for nigh a year, When bedtime came, we’d watch our child Be overcome by his emotions: From glee, to rage, to childish fear, And us both stumped: What drove him so wild __And triggered these explosions? He needed more than bedtime prayer To climb down...

. Light Wave Heatwave When the temperature rises, a worker despises __The withering glare of the sun. When the sweat’s so profuse that our skin is a sluice, __Even golf and croquet ain’t no fun. A jug of cool water grows hotter and hotter __As Sol makes his way up...

. Supply and Demand Infinite happiness isn’t available. Something so precious just isn’t that scalable. Boundless dismay, though, is much more attainable. Being uncoveted, pain is quite gainable. . . Off Day The best that I can do today Is leak a sigh of lost dismay And wish that it...

. Garden Party The sparrows near the feeder flit and preen While predators politely quit the scene. A mockingbird is chirping up a storm, And soft drinks on the cart are getting warm. The worms beneath the mulch are lying low, But old cock robin knows just where to go...

. The Mannequins Are Melting The mannequins are melting as we speak Now that the summer heat wave's at its peak. __While passing by the clothing store __This afternoon at half past four, I saw the havoc waves of heat can wreak--- Wax statues melting in their own boutique. There...

. Washington Assumes Command at Cambridge from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 Devoted Billy Lee, a stalking fox, Observed his master’s swaying ponytail. The ribbon coming loose, he stopped to fix It, leaning sideways on the narrow trail As Washington, colossal, sat astraddle. On reaching Cambridge to assume command, This...

. Cold Blooded Murder It is a hot and muggy Sort of Texas day. Time to do my stalking And hunting down my prey. I’m armed and dangerous. My weapon I half-hide. When killing I am cautious And patiently abide. The blood flows to my eyes. I sharply squint to...

. Washington Departs from Mount Vernon from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 “Wouldn’t you rather stay?” Watching her doveOf sixteen summers, Martha’s hazels, tearingAway from patriarchal pupils, doveBelow to scan the roses. Turning, tearingUp, she observed the clear Potomac wind.Pale bluish grays, so often hard as lead,Had softened, tracking her...

. It’s All Her Fault ---with a nod to Eleanor Brown's "Bitcherel" Why write in meter when penning a poem, __You ask me, so here’s my reply: When I drop the rapturous roll of a rhythm __My muse fades away with a sigh. Some muses are fans of haphazard eruptions---...

. My Vacation Trip in Verse by James A. Tweedie One of the comments in response to the recent “On the Meeting of Poets” post read: “A diary in verse. It’s original and interesting. I’d like to see more.” Since I journaled in verse that recent trip my wife and...

. Second Chances Just know that you’ve been staked a second chance At any time the future’s looking muddy. Put on your shoes and socks, and join the dance. Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth, askance, Pretending you can’t work for anybody Who thinks you’ve not been staked a...

. The Small Commission When school yearbooks are thrust forth to be signed, We give out life advice. We speak our mind, And charge our classmates to keep some small vow: “Recall our good times!” “Stay as you are now!” As Christ did with his Great Commission bind His church...

. Washington and the Cherry Tree from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 Young George chopped down his father’s cherry tree, Not knowing that a woman lived inside. While playing with his hatchet, too carefree Out in the garden plot, he swung in wide And chipped a piece of bark from...

. Problem Child Barley and hops acquainted, meet, __And yeast completes the marriage. Soon happy news as something brews __With keg for baby carriage. Where he appears good cheer is found; __When gone, he's always missed. However with time and on the ground, __You’ll find him properly pissed. The loud...

. Anniversary Remembrance Sometimes I envy them the lives they lived, the death they died: They perished at the peak of lovers’ hopes and nuptial pride--- No growing old for that glad monarch or his happy bride. Some twenty years ago at summer’s end I saw them glide In glory...

. A Town The difficulty of describing how This town was then, may only be because So little happened there, compared to now, Though what occurred (the bustle and the buzz) Filled every room in each small house and more To overflowing with the acts of people Engaged in vicious...

. I Need My Coffee  I need my coffee; don’t get in the way Of that which wakes me up and makes me tick. Addicted? Yes. I’ll quit another day. I’ve work to do; on task I need to stay. My morning  cup of Joe gives me that kick. I...

. Miss Jewell’s Suicide ---from a story by George Gissing The chipped and mismatched crockery,Two boiled eggs and tepid tea,A single slice of buttered toastWith marmalade—a dab at most—And oatmeal porridge barely warm:Such is breakfast’s pallid normHere in a low-rent boarding houseWhere lodgers live sans friend or spouse. Miss Jewell...

. The Rise of Washington from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 IT’S TIME! Let’s give our story’s star some space. He’s famous through the land, you know his role: “A fire in his eyes, a light in his face,” Eternal Heaven destined him to rule. His birth miraculous, his father...

. Were She to Ask, and I Affirm Were she to ask, and I affirm That I'd still love her as a worm, I'd make it clear (because my dear Has Northern Cardinals to fear) The Robins and the Starlings Would die before my darling's Tears went down her little...