Humor

. 1. Just off the cuff, I’d cap the alcoholic swill __Before it calls your bluff and saps your will. . 2. The dead, although their tongues are somewhat tied, Might know already all you might confide. . 3. The past, its spoonful bittersweet, doesn’t let things slide; It’s at...

. King George III Declares War from Legends of Liberty, Volume 2 Note: The British have won a pyrrhic victory at Bunker Hill. King George, who has been showing some erratic personality quirks since being possessed by a roach (the Devil), heads to Parliament. Enlisting the aid of Col. Banastre...

. Dishing Out Advice Why are there always dishes in the sink? So lazy and undisciplined. You’d think they might show just a little more respect and know that household members will object. But there they are, just sitting in the way, with all their dirty pals, as if to...

. Epicure's Delight A wondrous day, my love, is this— An afternoon of utter bliss! The two of us alone at last Embracing tightly, holding fast! The setting sun could scarcely vie To match the fire in your eye. No tender blossoms can compete With loins like yours, so soft...

. To a Beet I sing the bristled hedgehog grainno horticulture can explain,with six sly seedlings in its brain:__the unborn beet.  That hook-and-hollow hydra seed, a spiny knell to nascent weeds;nor leaf nor rootlet can impede__those fuchsia feet. I sing the painted plum-wine sproutsthat spring aloft---as one, no doubt---outrageous rings that...

. A Curse Against a Thief from the Carmina Burana Let the thief who stole my cap be by death collected: Let it happen suddenly, and be unexpected; After death, to endless pain let him be subjected; Once he’s gone may Paradise consider him rejected. Let the thief who stole...

. A Divine Mistake? Dear Father up in Heaven, Why create thou rats. Six times out of seven They even scare the cats. Why create thy creature’s eye So beady and so small, With no redeeming features, Why create thou them at all. Your works indeed delight us, How constant...

. Overkill K.I.S.S. ("Keep it simple, stupid.") My heart enflamed with rapture, burned With passionate desire; yearned For her and only her, consumed By fire. And like a flower, bloomed Poetic as I told her of My fervent, everlasting love In words so beautiful they shamed The works of laureates...

. Third-Degree Burns A young poet who came from Dundee Looked around him and then took a knee, __For the older he grew __The more surely he knew That accomplishment wasn’t to be. But another lad, whom we’ll call Angus, Who was wont to berate and harangue us, __Said, “They...

. Shakespeare's Women for Susan Jarvis Bryant, who has a spiritual home in Stratford-on-Avon It’s April 23rd. The rain is pouring And from the Gulf the Poet can hear thunder. She sips Earl Grey. Her regal cat is snoring. The Folger in her hand fills her with wonder. She gazes...

. Not Sonnet 18… Yet I strain in vain to sparkle like the Bard. I strive to spill slick iambs by the ream. Comparing thee to spring in my backyard Just doesn’t thrill like Will’s lush summer dream. My charmless, tuneless, sunless, bloomless day Beneath a muddy, buzzard-busy sky Will...

. Goodbye, Sweetie Oh, devil-angel, Sugar! Your time’s done! You rot my teeth, yet melt upon my tongue. I’m forced to hide my black smile from the sun; meantime, my exhalations smell like dung. You cause us cardiovascular disease and diabetes I and II, as well; you pile the flesh...

. The Meat Purveyor’s Son Aesthetically impaired, she was the heir to daddy’s fortune. She was plumpish, short and much too close together were the eyes. She hankered after marriage with a man to birth at least a daughter and a son. Alas! She wasn’t what you’d call an English...

. The Qua-Train In four lines stood iambic feet To board the quatrain from the street. The poem made of quatrain cars Passed each four lines like music bars. Each quatrain car rolled down the track, First the front, and last the back. Now that all the poem’s said, The...

. The Book on Lefty McBane McBane could do no wrong—from his debut, late in his rookie season, right on through his grandfather’s retirement. Every pitch he threw gave batters a decided itch to hit ... the bar. His curve was arrow–straight, and quicker on its journey to the plate...

. Distress Signals an extended villanelle Distressing times are coming round again, And all the talking heads now flap their jaws To say it isn’t if, but rather when.— There is a dearth of good upstanding men, And far too many convoluted laws; Distressing times are coming round again, As...

. Coffee Limericks . I love to have coffee each morning, Including the act of the pouring: __I smell the aroma, __Come out of my coma, And wonder why you still are snoring. . I start with a coffee each day— A creamy and sugared latte. __I open my eyes,...

. . Homophonophobic (This poem is so vain and humorous you’ll burst a vein or break your humerus) My editor returned my latest piece, but all my comrades lay in pools of red revisions. Storms of mourning blew my peace away on that blue morning, as I read. My angry...

. The Alleged Bulldozer My wife told me, shortly after we got married, that I “bulldozed” her into the marriage. Bulldozed you into marriage? A most preposterous claim. Such silly thoughts disparage the kindling of our flame. Bulldozed you to the wedding? Oh, please!  I’m too refined. I merely hoped...

. Bowing to Power Although they might Not do what’s right, The very strong Are never wrong. If you complain, You’ll feel the pain That’s coming to A town near you. . . Domestic Finances Awash in situations less than stable, We struggle on as best as we are able,...

. Hatching A gelid mass of wings that seethed and surged— A squeamish sight that caught me by surprise— A swarming hatch of termites had emerged A host of queens to mount and fertilize. They sprang from cracks where wood and concrete meet, Where my garage door and my driveway...

. Probing for the Problematic Polyp Bob was testy yesterday. __A fractious, famished fellow. You would be, too, if all that you __consumed was juice and Jell-O. He downed the colon cleansing drink. __The consequence was troubling. The gaseous gurgling wouldn’t stop. __His whole inside was bubbling. The joy of...

. On Me I am a simple Eastern bard __Who moseys by the heather That grows in sweeping fields and loves __To dance in springy weather. I glamourize my hometown great, __Pen tales of grief and love, And avidly behold the train __Of downy clouds above. My town is green...

. Ipse Dixit I say Cogito ergo sum To the animal here in the room. So how do I know I exist? Well, here’s a provisional list: I doubt, and I fear, and I bleed; I attend to a friend who’s in need. The philosophers think they’re so smart, But...

. Ode to a Dodo  inspired by Paul A. Freeman’s "Paradise Island"   O tragic fowl of cataclysmic fate, Your magic thrives beyond your wretched end. O plumed and portly gem of plodding gait, Your vexing exit’s hard to comprehend. O bird of tufty tush and yellow foot, O boon of...

. How Septuagenarian’s Cope Past seventy. Age does prevail. __The day is growing dim. I’ve managed through life’s calms and gales— I still can trapse through woodland trails __And workout at a gym. Past seventy. Age does assail. __Our grandkids prove time zooms! Their one-track minds never derail: Just tell...

. The Knitted Dress I began with the best of intentions, Though in hindsight I have to confess, That the scope of my project’s dimensions Were a little ambitious I guess. I imagined an intricate pattern, In a beautiful lacy design, To accentuate curves but not fatten, Close-fitting, but not...

. A Musical Offering When Bach arrived at Sanssouci, King Frederick said, “Sir, you must be tired. My fortepianos may help to revive you. Please, come play.” While Bach was busy at the keys, the king presented him a tease: “My dear Herr Bach, I’m wondering if you could do...

. A Temporary Exhibit A million drops of water will be sprayed Across my yard today. And each of them Will capture the refraction of each blade Of grass, each dandelion leaf and stem. Each image is reversed and upside-down, Of course, and everything that I can see That stands...

. Masks When tourists arrive in our village, The question that most of them ask, Is, “Why is it all of your menfolk, Are walking around wearing masks?” Well, it started way back in the sixties, While their husbands were down at the pub. Their wives and their partners had...

. Left Outside The shopping cart, precisely ordered now while searching for those perfect little lines of lights for decorations---anyhow, I'm sure there must be something that combines with lights around the centerpiece to show a little flair, if not a little art. I shift my stuff and somehow, yes...

. Dear Death… Don't tickle with your sickle __Don't taunt me when I'm sick. Don’t make me writhe. Don’t spare the scythe. __Be slick and stick me quick. Don’t waltz me long and slowly __Through shawl-and-slipper pain. Zap me with a thunderbolt __Stark-naked in the rain. Don’t sneak me from between the sheets __Inanimate and...

. Requiem The notes we cherish most Are gathered from the throats Of those who perished young. The song we sadly toast Was sown from wanton oats, Disowned and never sung. . . Role Models __A forager is digging ramps Up on a sunny hill in Tennessee, __Philatelists collecting stamps...

. On Cats and Love My cat does not explain himself. He knows his reasons. Why must I? He needs to bathe while on a shelf Or hunt some trash? I don’t care why. I do not need to understand. I love him since he’s loyal, kind, And brings me...

. The Kakistocracy Does the news give you malneirophrenia, __but you've not been to sleep? Do you galumph all day around the house, __your mind in sorrows deep? Do politicians bring on crapulence, __but you've not had a drink? Is it those ultracrepidarians __who make you doublethink? All the solipsist...

. Shakespeare Re-placed Re-Verse Engineering In the picture above, SCP poet James A. Tweedie has taken the image of Venus from Botticelli’s Primavera and relocated her to the upstairs bathroom in his home. She seems quite happy, there. But what if he did the same thing to snippets from Shakespeare...

. Unchristian I hope you burn in Hell for nasty things You said to me, but if you don’t, I hope A host of energetic angel wings Will lash your eyes.  The blurry King of Kings, As toward His golden God-side throne you grope, For words you spoke, should wash...

. A Prayerful Pantoum for the Perpetually Pessimistic  "We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne."  ---Robert Burns For bellyachers belching bile this year For sourpusses (huffish and offended) I’ll pray for spines of steel and hearts of cheer--- A splendid year where rifts are swiftly mended. For sourpusses (huffish and offended) For...

. Mythological Limericks on Defloration . Venus and Adonis Adonis was cute as a berry And Venus was sexy and merry— __The boy said “No dice” __But without thinking twice She jumped him and popped the kid’s cherry. . Hades and Persephone Hades was hot for a missus And longed...

. Sleigh Rides Do Not a Christmas Make While folks down under get to ride their bicycles __And dine alfresco at a Christmas picnic, We blokes up over are avoiding icicles __And making every effort not to nitpick The ugly woolen sweaters Santa left behind. __Because we live in different...