Humor

. Homeric Hot or Not (Hotness Ratings Out of 10) . 10 By birth divine and radiantly tressed And beautiful and of a charm possessed That turns men into pigs if she’s inclined, A better girl than Circe none can find, 10 While of the boys, for clever, handsome, strong...

. Winter Hyphenation Knit cap above, two squinting eyes below Face frozen fresh-fall snowfall, white as snow. Constricted pupils dim the sight and fight Against the blinding sunrise-lumined light. An ice-chill world where exhaled, hot breath steams And wreathes a winter wonderland of dreams Where muffled footfalls squeaky-clean impress Compressive tracks...

. The Reagan with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe Once upon a long and weary voting day with chances dreary for a quaint and curious choice, a nominee we all adore; while I gauged the sense of voting, suddenly I heard some gloating as of someone sugarcoating memories of years...

. And Every Dog His Day There’s no such thing as dog-years.  You were fooled By sentimental nincompoops who don’t Know how to count correctly, twits unschooled In logic or in basic facts who won’t Admit that they are misinformed:  A year’s A year, no more, for any creature caught...

. So Much Depends upon a Dog So much depends upon a dog The earth revolves around the sun. Each day revolves around our jog— unclip your harness, watch you run, and sniff where other dogs have wet. So much depends upon a dog. Across the sky, the tempests jet...

. An Appeal I want to be a fiber on your loom, A constant fixture in your living room, A luscious morsel that you save for last. It's time for us to build a solid past, If only to secure a firm foundation Where we can play it loose and...

. The Ballad of Mrs. Pam Able Mrs. Pam Able was very unstable, And loved to be tied to her dining-room table. Her friends were appalled, many names she was called, For her fatal attraction for men who were bald. One day after yoga, still wearing her toga, She spotted...

. The Number 128: The Picnic “Let’s go on a picnic,” the older one said; “We’ll take tins of salmon and slices of bread.” “We’ll set up a table away from the trees” “And sit in the sunshine enjoying the breeze.” The younger disliked the idea and replied That beetles...

. The Villainy of Icicles That sword of Damocles! That glacial Iago! A prism forged of ice, sharp and aloof; An icicle out of Doctor Zhivago Malevolently hanging from our roof... It waited for the perfect moment when I stood beneath it as I shoveled snow. The wind picked up....

. Fear for the Future When I ponder the future I get so distraught For the Leftists control Most production of thought. . . To Better Protect Democracy The WAPO and the New York Times Should move all their reporters, Into the Democratic Party’s National headquarters. . . Loss of...

. The Poetaster’s Plight Some think the poet’s work is ease: "Sit back and write it’s such a breeze;" But those that know will surely say They labor hard from day to day. They wrestle with each turn of phrase, Constructing forms in different ways. A quote, a comma, where...

. The Stonechat Listens at the Asylum Window I fear I might mistranslate what you said And lose the very essence of your words. May I record you as I do the birds: The warbler, shrike and wren, red’s wild-combed head Who can’t fly straight because his wings are strained...

. Note: Burns Night is when Scotland’s most important bard, Robert Burns (1759-1796), is celebrated, usually with the recitation of Burns’ poems, the eating of haggis, and the drinking of whisky. It occurs on January 25, Burns’ birthday. . An English Sonnet for the Scottish Bard for Burns Night Tonight, I’m...

. . On Alma Tadema’s Coign of Vantage Flora peeks over the marble parapet, a dizzying perch above the azure Aegean. The Roman fleet is returning. 'Tis the season to flirt, to catch a lover in her net. Julia and Livia stand close, her bosom friends. Tomorrow they’ll break their...

. On a Terrible Orchestral-chorale Concert Trapped here with vain musicians---what a fate! An echo chamber that I can't escape. Conductors lead, nude but for bandanas. On their right side, Carmina Burana With German horns, tubas, and slide trombones Blasts louder than an ocean’s worst cyclones. Countless accordions from metal...

. A Note on Iambic Barktameter I have an Australian Shepard named Sunny who loves poetry. I didn’t believe it at first, but she proved it to me. She showed me her copy of Poetry magazine and said, “Look how dog-eared it is.” Then she told me that her favorite...

. Cookies I bought a bag of cookies for a snack, But they were way too sweet… I took them back. I tried each one to make sure this was true. I really didn’t know what else to do. The woman in the store was not too kind. She told...

. Bingo Ladies Gray-haired gals meet twice a week, Have their luncheon with the clique At the Wendy’s in Coppell. After they have talked a spell Off to northwest part of Dallas To the Giant Bingo Palace. First they greet the Palace guards Then select their lucky cards. Thirteen at...

. Putting Settings in Their Place For dilettantes the world’s bereft When table settings aren’t precise. For if the forks aren’t on the left They’ll give their host some stern advice: “The fork goes here, for love of life, “The salad fork goes right next to it. “And on the...

. Shams Shams-i Tabrizi was Rumi’s intimate friend and spiritual mentor. I stayed awake those short midsummer nights When naked druids danced beneath the moon’s Hypnotic glow performing pagan rites And marking stones and trees with sacred runes. Years later, in the vatic Persian sun, I delved into the bright...

. The Winter Cold I so despise the winter cold; I admit it makes me utter all kinds of truly nasty words, disposition in the gutter. The snow, the ice, this arctic clime do not set my heart aflutter, and skidding down those icy roads, that does sorely make me...

. Crimes Against My Sanity At any-given-time o’clock While tidying my house, I find--- Oh look---is that another sock? It really isn’t such a shock; My kids for chaos were designed At any-given-time o’clock. I can’t tell if they try to mock Me, or if they are truly blind (Oh...

. Wisdom When young I dreamed of someday being wise, And pictured brilliant input holding sway. But via jolts of life now realize, There’s wisdom also in what you don’t say. . . No One Fully Measures Up No one lives life precisely by my standards. No one does just...

. How Troubling to Know Mrs. Pain How troubling to know Mrs. Pain. She has written some ludicrous stuff. Some think that she hasn’t a brain, And some think she has just enough. She types her stuff on the computer, Sometimes late into the night. The hairstyle she has doesn’t...

.   Christmas Rules and Promises My first rule for this Christmas is__No carrot sticks for me.They might have been a snowman's nose,__So I will let them be. My second rule this Christmas is__Your gift I will remember;So if it turns out kind of cheesy,__I'll match it next December. My...

. Arrival of Spring Each wing delivers news of a young earth: The nightingale, the end of moonless woes, The dove, the peace of melting mountain snows, The hummingbird, a lightness dense with mirth. The goldfinch tells the sun what joy is worth, The starling stirs the nimbus clouds that...

. In a Soviet Gulag from an oft repeated joke There was a break in the relentless cold And then the guard stepped out for quite a while. Such changes made the prisoners grow bold: Two yelled their thoughts, another cracked a smile. One wanting to impress the others told...

. What Geese May Teach My mother had the power that knowledge wields, So questions such as—Would you like to go? Were never invitations, but commands To fly away, cross yellow fields and low, Like summer insects, stuck upon windshields. A raggle-taggle group we were, and so Like sandflies could...

. Lightning Ben an excerpt from Legends of Liberty, Volume 2 Sing, muse! Bestow your gifts on—blah blah blah. I opened my first book with that. You get The point. Obliging poets need to draw The paths of cosmic fate, to show their debt To Heaven and their forebears. Really, though,...

. Boots Before Us a sequel to "Shear Wickedness" The time had come. Poor Boots was sinking low, and further down no fitting place to know. Our burden was to fix the bottom floor and see our old friend gently out the door. Our goal: to shield him from encroaching pain,...

. Pearls at the Wake I must admit I glance at the obits.Is there someone I know? Someone close-knit?I see faces of strangers I don’t know—I pray they rise to be with God, then goTo the cartoons. No politician’s crap!Garfield’s my man! He is the king of naps.When I want...

. Vanity Falls I’m feeling a little lightheaded; I’ll confess it’s what I’ve always dreaded: More hairs on the floor Than ever before, My ego and vanity shredded. . . Miera Rao is a writer living in California who has won awards for her creative non-fiction and poetry.   Her...

. I Am Thankful for Thanksgiving I am thankful for Thanksgiving, A special holiday That doesn't require atonement, Or starvation, by the way. There are no gifts I need to give, Less money to be spent. Just cook a turkey dinner In an aluminum foil tent. Everybody has their favorite...

. No News Is Good News The world contrives, in many different ways, To overload the minutes of our days __With items that anesthetize __The sensibilities that filter Our sound ideas from the out-of-kilter. __And please try this one on for size: I sat down in my chair to watch...

. Poetry 101 Lecture Today we shall discuss why poems have a poor repute (Though if one dislikes poetry, apology is moot). Let’s take four types of poems with their strong points and their faults: Well-crafted love poems are a jewel; but most of them, near schmaltz. Eschew the superficiality...

. Fool’s Gold In a febrile jungle region where the threats to life are legion And deflected rays land each on greenness rich as burnished jade Ventured forth a treasure seeker, heeding not a Mayan speaker Who forewarned of visions bleaker than the jokes Camazotz played. The ascent ahead was...

. Night Visitor Between the ticking of the clock I thought I heard a haunting knock. I pondered what I thought I heard, "Perhaps the tapping of a bird?" The hearth was warm and so was I, Until a cold draft struck my thigh. The shadows seemed to dance about,...

. Ghouls Rules Out in the middle of Howling Heath Lives a mean old monster with a million teeth, In a mouth as big as a catamaran, To accommodate the limbs of moose and man, And kids that fiddle with their food at dinner While hungry kids get thinner and...

. A Seasonal Concoction He loved to have a cup of coffee in dawn’s dimmest light. It helped clear cobwebs from those heavy eyelids of the night. His narrow pumpkin head could start to gaze with orange eyes. His skeleton could once again experience surprise. The ghost-white sheets of sleepy...

. The Italian Job a true story “I’m from Pisa,” she cried with a giggle, As she leaned, towering over the man, With the beard, the bald head and the glasses, Climbing out of the janitor’s van. He cried, ”I must sort out your drainage, For your pipes are all...