Humor

. Ill-used I’ve been ill-used, no other word will do; pristinely packaged, sanitised and new a month ago I stood upon display till someone paid to carry me away. Once home, he placed me in a cup whose rim was chipped and whose interior was grim. Upon a shelf, inside...

. The Last Detail Two cocksure, loud–mouthed lads one day set out, Intent on catching perch. “No,” Jim said, “trout.” The hole they headed for neither one knew: All for adventure, they sought someplace few Of their acquaintances had been before. “It’s just five hundred yards from Sandy Shore,” Said...

. Sex in the English Garden Light, feathery Astilbe Sways gently in the breeze Afraid she always will be Faint fluff beneath the trees Concealing dear Sweet William, Who rings each foxglove’s bell Mid coreopsis ruffles, While lily, like a shell With deeper inner meaning, Disdains to join with them;...

. Cruise Control? based on a real incident in San Francisco on April 1, 2022 (though not an April Fool's joke) A well-mannered Cruise driverless-car Drove light-less, but didn’t get far. Its empty seats were perused, By cops in their cruiser, confused: No driver to argue or spar! The well-mannered Cruise driverless-car Bolted...

. Milking the System We waited, we have waited, and we wait. Delays continue to increase the cost Of doing business.  Every magistrate Can understand the hours and dollars lost But yet cannot, according to the Law, Provide a satisfying remedy. It doesn’t matter what they really saw, Or how...

. Illusion At times we can’t tell what we’re looking at. It could be this or else it could be that. A beautiful young woman? Or old hag? Do lines run parallel or zig and zag? Two silhouetted faces face-to-face? Or is it just the outline of a vase? And is...

. Carcassonne by Gustave Nadaud (1820-1893) Translated by Joshua C. Frank “At sixty years, I’m getting old, And I’ve been working all my days Not being able to behold Fulfillment of my wishing gaze. I see that life on earth is filled With perfect happiness for none. My wish, it...

. Paracelsus Creating man demands not much: Combine the four base elements In right amounts; the lodestone’s touch At once should jolt him into sense. First Earth, in greatest quantity: For what is flesh but sculpted clay That feigns a crude nobility, Then quickly shrinks and wastes away? And most...

. Last Place Winner after winning the 30-34 age group with a last-place finish in a 5K Inhaling frozen oxygen, he rounds The final turn. No cheers, just muffled sounds. He barely wobbles ‘cross the finish line And checks the lit-up numbers on the sign. Nobody else is coming, there...

. The Salt Spring Island Trolls I have a boat In Fulford Bay. She does not float To my dismay. She lies forlorn Upon the shore, Ragged and torn To sail no more. An invalid All full of holes, Inhabited By empty souls. A home for sand fleas, Obsolete. Her...

. Obedience by Giuseppe Gioachino Belli (1791-1863) translated from Romanesco by Joseph S. Salemi It’s not true, Christians, what you have been told— That you need endless patience to obey. Obedience gives great rest to man, I say. That’s why the custom of obeying’s old. Listen: God blessed and joined...

. The Adjudication “I weep for you,” the Walrus said: __“I deeply sympathise.” With sobs and tears he sorted out __Those of the largest size, Holding his pocket-handkerchief __Before his streaming eyes. ---Lewis Carroll This one’s bereaved; another is divorced: One’s poem doesn’t scan; the other’s rhymes are forced. And...

. Who Shaves the Barber? shaves all those, and those only, who do not shave themselves.  —Bertrand Russell The barber had a gift for cutting hair, And once a month the men who lived in town Would take a seat upon his cushioned chair To have four weeks of outgrowth...

. Cracked Liberty Bell July the 4th—Independence. Many bands play. Parades pass by— Fireworks fly. __Rocket’s red glare . . . 1900. A song was sung From old to young: Lift every voice— They sang, rejoiced! __And shunned despair. Stoney we trod. Bitter our rod. True to our God, Who...

. Food for Thought A Culinary Tale There once was a man wan and pallid, he Suffered from a mysterious malady: __He ate carrots and greens, __Ripe tomatoes and beans, But eschewed anything that's not salad-y. Now his wife, she was plump, but quite purty, Euphemistically "big-boned" or "sturdy"; __Which...

. A Conceit or Just a Similitude? Two Brief Illustrations from Sir John Suckling by Joseph S. Salemi One of the earliest things one learns in poetry is the distinction between a simile and a metaphor. In clearest terms, a simile makes use of the word like or as to...

. Daedalus Icarus, you have disobeyed, As all men do, and dearly paid. Too recklessly your heart did fly Between high seas and louring sky. The wings I gave you, it is true, But what would you have had me do? No hand does good, no heart loves well Constrained...

. Poetry Lessons The poet said he’d show and never tell--- His imagery would mesmerize and blaze. In quatrains laced with Aphrodite’s spell, His sibilance would scintillate and daze. The poet said he’d kiss the listening ear With similes as smooth as silken lips. His spondees would ignite the stratosphere In scores of metaphors. They would eclipse The waxing moon. His dactyls dipped in gold...

. Thank You Note from an Assisted Living Facility Thank you for the Happy Birthday. Never thought I'd live this long. Though my hair is turning gray I still can hear a clanging gong. I thought my cake was set on fire. Ran and set off the alarm. Thought the...

. I. My body heat is at a modicum: Say, ninety-eight point two or one or so. Foreboding naught particularly glum Except a disposition to succumb To fevers only cooler heads can know. . II. Some other hand has wound the clock within Me and its workings rarely reach my...

. Un-Justice Merrick Garland “Garland is a moderate,” Obama swore, We all can see his moderation now--- The Trump raid tactics never used before, Which Garland must have learned from Chairman Mao. . . You Know It’s Coming Which will it be? A new outbreak? Whole new disease? What will...

. Chitchat If only I could find a man, I’m lonely since Sebastian, That loser, left me for another. Still, I didn’t like his mother Anyway, so no big deal, And honestly, I really feel We just weren’t suited after all, I much preferred my time with Paul, The plumber…...

. Persistence It seems when flies get in from the outside, They never find how to get out again; Instead they only buzz around and hide, A game that often is the death of them. At times hours pass when you think they have died But then you glimpse a...

. My No-Show Foes I whet my blade, anticipating mayhem. My enemies just whet their appetite On what they hope my manager will pay them For throwing down their knives without a fight. I hone my wits in expectation of A battle of the minds, but my opponents Enumerate the...

. Poems by Théodore de Banville (1823-1891) translated by Margaret Coats The Velocipede Half brain, and half a pair of wheels, Transcending anthropology, Calf poised on manufactured heels, Half brain, and half a pair of wheels, This novel animal reveals Darwinian zoology: Half brain, and half a pair of wheels,...

. Deschutes River Reverie The river, swift and shallow, roils its way Beneath the outstretched arms of old-growth pines, Past bank-side willows diamond-dewed with spray, And hillside ferns and thimbleberry vines. A fallen cedar, once a forest lord, Contributes to the nascent euphony As broken branches add a vocal chord...

. Don't Laugh at a Christian God looked down on Noah And said "Construct an ark Bigger than a boat, More like a zoo or park." Friends said he was crazy Until the rain came down. That is when we learned The first fact checkers drowned. . . Some Men...

. Camena Interrupta The measured words of poetryRise round the mystic sphere,Sift through the dirt or sing divineIn strains that soothe or sear. But now the stanzas halt and freeze:Eternity is stilled—The dog looks guilty at the doorThe poet’s muse is chilled. Goodbye “the crescent in the sky,Reaping a horde...

. Dog Tired, Cat on Top The cat sat on the mat, Been there, seen that. The cat sat on the chair, Seen that, been there. The cat sat on the dog, Well, that’s odd. The dog snored on the floor, Tell us more. The cat slept on the dog,...

. Online Research For how long grilling planks should soak __I checked the time online. A website that I noticed first __Called 15 minutes fine. But one more page I saw advised __To do it for an hour, So I presumed it best if other __Websites I would scour. And...

. . Forked   a palindrome poem I’m a toxic-tongued witch with some bitching to weave. No trite tittle-tattle will make me believe My lips drip with syrup and never with sin--- That’s ludicrous gossip---nonsensical din. My tongue bursts with bile and has barbs at its tip--- Its scornful, it’s sharp,...

. Aftertaste Love at first sip was so cloyingly sweet, When I’d have gladly laid all at his feet, Sworn by the heavens his eminent worth, Followed him unto the ends of the earth. Tragic, how quickly he emptied the glass; Shocking, how hastily pleasures can pass. Salty the drops...

. The Spoonerisms Man, or The Moonerisms Span His name was Mr. Spooner and he owned a service station. He kept our vehicles on the road, a noble occupation. So handy with the oily rag, the torque wrench and the socket, Who knew so well the mysteries of pulleys, gears...

. Three Literary Smiles . Hemingway’s Oopsy “Up in my room the rain was coming down Heavily outside on the balcony.” I didn’t know if I should smile or frown At such a dissonant cacophony. It’s in Farewell to Arms by Hemingway Right at the start of Chapter Twenty-Two. It never should...

. Keep Calm and Carry On! “UK heatwave: Temperatures to rise to 41C amid extreme heat warning” ---BBC News  “The first Red Extreme heat warning issued” ---British Met Office The BBC is roaring like the sun With news of scorching days of blazing heat. All burning thoughts of giddy, gleeful...

. Mistress Within those sheets, my mistress lay, her flawless form with perfect feet. One last embrace; I cannot stay! I hear her heart in metered beat. Her voice, a ballad siren song with lyrics begging my delay. But I’ve already been too long! Within those sheets, my mistress lay....

. The Automated Phone System I called up a business But no person answered, I got a phone system With multiple options Some rather confusing; I kept getting transferred, Spent most time just holding; Then after ten minutes I got disconnected. . . He Thought He Was Charming You sure...

. The Drive to Reconcile __We never wish to eat a bug __Or force an unexpected hug, But intimacy doesn’t come without A cost, and those who disagree, no doubt, Are lost.  But nonetheless we cannot see Why we can’t love the ones who disagree __With everything that we believe,...

. Back in My Day I tested my courage---well, no, not really. The heroic stuff had been done before. My generation was all touchy-feely. It was our parents who’d fought the war. The post-war population bulge: I have to admit we did pretty well. No combat stories to divulge, No...

. The Pigeon Once upon a workday morning, sleepy-eyed and loudly yawning, I was splattered without warning by a pigeon from the shore. At my half unconscious stupor, this unpardonable pooper, Took his aim just like a trooper from a raging bloody war, And he peppered me with pigeon poop...