‘Professional Mourner’: A Poem by Brian Yapko

Professional Mourner

Good morning, friend. I didn’t catch your name.
Ah. Tod. So you’re the new kid on the block?
It’s good to see fresh faces now and then.
You’re nervous? Is this really your first time?
I know you’re young, but grandparents? An aunt?
Not ever? You’re a very lucky guy.

Just stick with me, Tod. I’ll show you the ropes.
Take off your hat. And next time wear a tie.
Dress dark and look bereft. Lower your eyes.
A muffled sob. Pull out the handkerchief,
Then sniffle some. Pretend to wipe a tear.
Look grave as if your life’s own light has ended.

You’ll get the hang of it. I used to practice
Before the mirror. Now it’s just routine.
You come, you view, shake hands, sit down, look sad,
And mumble in response if someone prays.
Before you know it down the casket goes.
It’s easy. Plus the pay is not too bad.

So you’re between careers? Yeah. So am I.
My field is real estate. I sold a ton.
Then values crashed. I had to make ends meet.
These funerals have really saved my butt.
It’s this and taxes, right? No likelihood
Professionals like us will get laid off.

What time is it? It’s late and no one’s here
Except the client—that frail man in black.
Before we wish him peace, do we know who
She was? His sister? Wife? Well, let’s just give
N.S.—that’s short for “non-specific solace”—
In parlor talk, “a sad sniff for the stiff.”

I’m looking forward to the eulogy.
I didn’t sleep well. Maybe I can nap.
You know, closed eyes can masquerade as grief.
But please don’t think I’m callous! I’ve shed tears
For people that I’ve never even met.
In fact, I’ve done that twice these last six months.

As for this client, let us hope and pray
He’s generous with all the incidentals;
Hard cash and no receipt so it’s tax free
(And just a small fee to the agency.)
No benefits, it’s true. Just a good deed
To make it look like there were folks who cared.

I think I hear the caterers at work.
I hear there’s chicken salad; Gouda cheese;
Potato pancakes; dip made out of lentils,
And Brie with flat-bread; also ham and beef.
Oh good, it’s starting. Tod, let’s make this real.
A sigh, a sob… and then a hearty meal!

Brian Yapko is a retired lawyer whose poetry has appeared in over fifty journals.  He is the winner of the 2023 SCP International Poetry Competition. Brian is also the author of several short stories, the science fiction novel El Nuevo Mundo and the gothic archaeological novel  Bleeding Stone.  He lives in Bradenton, Florida.