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Cystolitholapaxy
Cystolitholapaxy (si-stow-luh-THAA-luh-pak-see):
a procedure to break up bladder stones into
smaller pieces and remove them
“It’s Cystolitholapaxy for you,
For guys of your age, it’s the best I can do.
I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks,
And give me a call if you get any leaks.”
I thanked my consultant, a man of high status,
So keenly to show me his new apparatus.
A shiny steel tube with a blade at the end,
And a flexible camera to get round the bends.
It sounded quite bad, but it could have been badder,
To have rolling stones swirling round in your bladder.
I gave them both names, now it sounds a bit sick,
The big one was Keith, and the other one Mick.
I know I’m a coward, it sounds quite pathetic,
To be so afraid of a mild anaesthetic.
I’m gritting my teeth now, so brave I must be,
It’s Cystolitholapaxy for me.
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Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.
Sounds terrible, Jeff. Wasn’t Mick’s surname Jagger?
Right, Margaret. And it’s Keith Jagger. I missed that bit of cleverness. Glad you were around to point it out to me.
Thanks Margaret, however, it is a great word. By the way, Keith Richard refers to Mick Jagger as “Phyllis”
Best wishes to you.
Hilarious, with fun rhymes and a rollicking rhythm!
Thanks Cynthia, you have to laugh at life’s minor adversities.
Jeff Eardley: You made this stone-faced guy laugh. Thanks a lot.
Thanks Philip. Evan’s illustration has rendered me stone-faced as well.
Good luck!
Thanks Paul.
An alternative to Big Pharma is the nutraceutical approach to medicine, such as by means of hiring a licenced naturopathic doctor and using “Renavive” or a similar natural product.
Lannie, thanks for that. I’d never heard of Renavive but I will look into it. Best wishes.
Jeff – This is terrific, and proves that one can make a poem about virtually anything! Great job!
Thanks Russel, it is such a good word, that it deserved a poem.
Thanks Russel, such a good word deserved a poem.
Best wishes to you.
Brilliant, Jeff. Best, I think, is the “leaks” line. Good luck with this (& good riddance). The cure, bad as it sounds, should definitely be better than the ailment.
A day of generally upsetting news, and reading your poem proved there is still great humor in the world. The analogy to The Rolling Stones made me laugh out loud. Thank you Jeff!
Thanks Phil, I hope the sequel is enlightening. I’ll send your regards to Mick and Keith.
Julian, thanks for your kind words. Evan’s illustration has made me feel a whole lot better!
Ouch! But oh heavens it made me laugh…the gall of the bladder
That couldn’t be badder
Thanks Rohini. Love your two liner here. Sums it up perfectly. Best wishes.
Your poem is hilarious and wonderful, when I had my kidney stones, writing poetry was the last thing on my mind. The pain is life-changing. Believe it or not, lemonade and lemon, however you can tolerate it, is the cure.
They say that this is the closest that a man can come to appreciating birth pangs. Of course, you probably won’t be bouncing that stone on your knee, although I did ask the sonogram tech to give me a picture of the little troublemaker.
He wouldn’t do it. Life is so unfair!
Thanks Mike. These two intruders turned up on a CT scan for a suspected hernia. Those kidney stones sound like a different ball game. It has taken an eternity to get an appointment for this but I pray that Mick and Keith haven’t gained weight in the meantime. Thanks for your most kind comment.
Yup. I’m the wrong kind of plumber.
Ouch!
All the best to you, Jeff. Thank you for this amusing poem.
Mike, I imagine that passing stones would cause a searing, nasty pain – a different kind of pain from that of childbirth.
Very enjoyable description. I hope you get Satisfaction. Best of luck
Fun poem with rocks and rolls.
Thanks Roy, rocking and rolling is what’s going on down there.
PG, not sure what the language is here. I am mystified.
Hey Jeff, the language is Lao. It is an advertisement (SPAM) for a gambling website in Laos.
The spam filter is a bit off kilter lately. Maybe, the filter can’t cope with Lao?
That very odd lingo called Lao,
I’m trying to understand how,
Those wiggles and squiggles,
Just give me the giggles,
I’m sticking to English for now.
I guess you won’t be gambling on their website then…
Think of those weird comments as a kind of bladder stone… we try to get them out of here as quick as we can.
What a timely poem for me. This seems to be my problem precisely. Should know soon. Thanks for the heads up.
Geoffrey, it seems to be a routine procedure. Best not to dwell on Evan’s image for too long. Hope you have a good outcome and thanks for reading,
It’s a finely crafted poem which can make one wince but also laugh out loud and there are some great rhymes in this one too. Assuming it is autobiographical to some degree, I wish you all the best, Jeff.
Oh, thank you Shaun. By the way, I loved your wonderful, disturbing Commisar piece. Best wishes to you.