Humor

. The Water Closet An earthen pit, an outhouse stool, a chamber pot— We’ve long dispensed with these, the whole damn stinking lot! The housewife and the maid no longer shout, “Gar’ l’eau!” Before the toss of waste on city streets below. A lady needn’t lift her skirt, nor man...

. Ogre Food My parents, dear, although you love me so; and in your love, wish only for my best. Yet, to the first-grade class I will not go, nor shall I end my tears of loud protest. For fearful premonitions haunt my thoughts. My heart is filled with terror...

. Written in a Cubicle What spurs me, in this breathing grave of coffee mouths and cheeks unshaved, to stand upon my chair and shout, __"I'm out! I'm out of this forever-widening coop where glumness, going on a loop, entraps, within its strangling mesh, __the mind and flesh?" I should...

. A Faithful Friend's Advice The girl you have is just the one for you— my head could not conceive a better match. She is your sun, your earth, the very glue that rightly holds your tattered life attached. The stars aligned to seal your fate with her There is...

  Alive, Alive-o In Dublin’s fair city,Where the girls are so pretty,There lived an old woman,Who was well known to me;Where she sighed with amazement,At her new knee replacement,Singing, “Cartilege and Muscles,For me are all go.For me are all go, For me are all go,”Singing, “Cartilege and Muscles,For me are...

. Territorializing Slithering slowly, so very precise, A methodic invader (and catcher of mice), She stealthily slips toward the enemy there, So unsuspecting, at rest by the chair. Without a diversion to aid her approach, And only her instincts, I watch her encroach. So lethal and cunning, the hair on...

. How I Spent My Spring Vacation: Poetry and Photography by James A. Tweedie . It Begins 45 Days Surrounded by the circle of the sea I cruise Atlantic waters, eastward bound, As knot by knot each longitude degree Leads onward towards a world as yet unfound. To Portugal’s fair...

. Medusa's Sisters Medusa lost her head and found renown instead. Her living sisters roared, “And why are we ignored who so much fouler are and deadlier by far? “You’d think that she’d become the pride of gorgondom. Who caused Medusa’s fall? A sniveling man—that’s all. To that galoot the...

. Anachronistic Chaucer When April showers, forecast on TV,delayed our pilgrimage to Canterbury,an eating house, clept Hooters, we espiedbeside a leafy glade where we could bideour time in revelry and intercourse.Unto a cycle rack each tied their horseand entered Hooters, where a comely wenchcried: “Welcome! Here’s a menu! Take a...

. The Ballad of Shamus Well, Shamus were a likely lad wid a good well-meanin’ ‘eart As strong as O’Malley’s ox, ‘dey say—but only ‘alf as smart. ‘Is ‘eart belonged to Nellie, aye ‘e wished her for ‘is wife. An’ ‘e made up ‘is mind to win ‘er if it...

. Innovative Thinking My long-time love gave me a special gift, a photo of himself when he was young. He even autographed it: “Love you! Dave.” From then, upon my wall this treasure hung where I could always gaze at it---but then his love, if it was love, began to...

. Poetry Legacy Superb is her poetic contribution, Unique in its design and execution. She hopes the work is widely loved and lasting— With love beginning prior to her passing. . . Restricted Lane He sees her every several days, _They talk a bit each time. As soon as she...

. Spring Bloomers ---a triolet A lick of spring has kissed the air Whispering of skimpy knickers--- It’s time to toss thick underwear. A lick of spring has kissed the air. I’ll hurl my hat, let down my hair As chill will thaws and fever flickers. A lick of spring...

. Dirty Dishes The dust is often out of handAnd should I write my name uponThe coffee table and night standIt will be seen when morning dawns. But dishes, oh the dishes mustBe kept up or the sink will beFoul with spoons, forks, plates and cupsAll left to soak too...

. The Wedding Dress The dress, first cleaned and vacuum-packed, _Was safely stored back then, Remaining perfectly intact _And never seen again. . . The Prestigious Publication’s Poetry The words seem arbitrarily selected, And randomly presented on the page. With any meaning in them undetected, And I’m as smart as...

. Be Careful What Ya’ Wish For Well, all o’ ya’ knows when ol’ Paddy McFarland’s _been drinkin’ ‘e’ll spin up a tale Oooozin’ with bits what is ‘ard to believe— _fer dem who ain’t pickled with ale. But last Friday evenin’ ‘e threw out a whopper _dat brung ‘im...

. Vernal Equinox Germans call this season “frühling.” Spaniards name it “primavera.” Welshmen say the term is “gwanwyn.” Shetland trawlers go with “voar,” so Let’s resolve this with a rüling: It is “springtime” in this era. Let the Anglophonic man win. Some speak Spanish — English more so. __Till that...

. Equinox Blues Welcome to spring! The last snow may be past,_and bright blue frames the parting clouds.The sun rides longer in the sky, at last,_than lost to night’s slow–ebbing shrouds. The weather’s clearing but, alas, not warming;_light sparkles on our coldest daysince winter last. No honeybees are swarming:_they’re told,...

. Simple Simon Responds to Sayings of Captain Obvious English literature tends to be wordy. Many tricks are exceedingly dirty. On a bright sunny day the whole sky appears bluish. All the teachers that pray in Old Hebrew are Jewish. The weather is always mercurial. Some questions are strictly rhetorical....

. Mussolini's Minions ---Segesta, 2012 Entranced, we wander round the temple site.The hot Sicilian sun beats down. I’m frayed,now seek the parking lot's uncertain shade.My brother John’s nearby, though not in sight.I spot a limestone post, eye-level height.What are these bas-reliefs, chipped and decayed?Focusing on the figures, I’m dismayed.Bound rods,...

. Gossiping Hinges Some think we hinges only squeak __because we seek __an oily drop __to make us stop, but hinges gossip day and night, __our message, quite __distinctive. We, __with raucous glee, say 'hi' to hinges down the street __we'd like to meet, __or squawk a song __for sing-a-long....

. Give Praise for These Days of Old Age You’re up in the morning, you moan and you groan, You’re feeling the grinding of bone against bone. When your knees have embarked on a life of their own, _Then give praise for these days of old age. You’re down at...

. Howl at the River Howl at the river, cry me a moon; Blow up on a drum, and beat a balloon; Smirk like a sailor, drink like a prig’ Eat like a football, drop-kick a pig. Jimmy crack rainbow, over the corn; Internet pie, and easy as porn. Taking...

. Capacity “This is too big and inexcusably Extravagant, so next time I insist We buy a smaller glass. This one will be Always half-empty,” said the realist. “You say this from experience,” replied The visionary, “But should realize That if our lot improved then you and I’d Be sorry...

. How Did You Woo Me? Let Me Count the Way You didn’t sweep in on a snowy steedClad in armor buffed until it glittered---A shining knight of bright and mighty deedClutching ribboned gifts on which you’d fritteredA wad of dosh from coffers spilling splendorTo get your dazzled damsel to...

. Lines for Your Valentines Without you here, my life is like A broken pencil, simply pointless. And if you tell me to take a hike, My legs won’t move, you’ve made them jointless. When I got up today I sneezed And God blessed me with seeing you. What’s that...

. Moments Matter When my daughter was just three __I took her to the zoo. She laughed and smiled and had a blast __And I myself did, too. My friends said, “Why did you do that? __She will not recall The day you took her to the zoo, __At least...

. Concerning Snow ---a conversation between Beauty and Necessity “Well, there you go again.” “What's that?” “Come now, don't act so innocent. You see that plow out there, defacing what it took all night for me to sculpt.” “Now listen, let’s not fight about this, not again. It’s only snow,...

. Classic Case History Though I was blind, it wasn’t hard to see That blindness was a gift at least as good As any other. People seeing me As someone less insightful than he should Have been were blurry shadows on a field Of murky gray, and I was able...

. . Sonnet 1 I felt like trying something new today, And so I put my pen upon a page To mimic Shakespeare's famous olden way— A style which, I hear, was all the rage. So here I am committing fourteen lines, To document my thoughts dynamically: I think it...

. The Great Rub-off Norm and Zip, in mismatched chairs, __were sipping tea and talking, when Desi, their loyal hound, said, “Listen, __you’re shedding like me!” (How shocking!) Norm spat out his quinoa, __Zip spat out her tea. Desi howled with laughter now: __“Just sayin’. Don’t blame me! And, by...

. Watch Out! Now, “The Three Little Pigs” is a tale More for cautioning than for amusing: Learn its lessons and you may prevail; Heed them not, and you may end up losing. For we, none of us, live in a bubble Free from entropy, rust, or destruction; Try to...

. Bollical Dogs I have a complaint! T.S. Eliot hogs All the fun with his stories of Jellicle Cats! So let me (inspired by zoo catalogs) Write of beasts ripe for versificational chats. But shall I vaunt possums? Or groundhogs? Or bats? Of course not! I’ll write about Bollical Dogs!...

. A Freshman Pep Talk ---upon reading “Composers to Listen to While Studying,”by Andrew Benson Brown, in The Epoch Times, Nov. 2, 2024 You’re ready? Get down to it, cram the night through.What a loathsome idea! But think what will ensueif you don’t crack the books and pour over class...

. Oh, the Days Oh, the days of poop and vomit! My best dress had drool upon it While I walked my teething child Up and down the hall for miles. Oh, the days of poop and vomit! When the baby chose to not sit In a high chair during...

. Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic! Help! I can’t stop speaking in iambic Pentameter! No matter what I say, Somehow it keeps on coming out that way. It’s not the first time. Could it be a chronic Disease that targets poets? Tragicomic, Incurable, it constantly contrives To make...

. Christmas in Florida I watched him pass! St. Nick himself---Kris Kringle,Who hails from Buffalo, not the North Pole.He waved; I heard bells on his golf-cart jingleAs he sang karaoke rock and roll. That’s how it is here. Golf-carts in procession:New Jerseyites, New Yorkers, MichigandersWho’ve moved where tropic heat is...

. The Drift of Dark Days November is a time for us to grieve About the dying of the warmth and light, About the passing of our joie de vivre, As we await the bitter arctic bite. Near-perfect vees of fleeing geese are gone From curdled skies reminding us of...

. Fake Sales “Fifty Percent Off”The store signs all say,But I have to scoff---There is simply no wayThat the clothes I picked outFrom the “sale” in that store,Were---on this there’s no doubt---Ever one penny more. . . Didn’t Look There I looked everywhere,But it was no place,Except for right there---In...

. Celestial Potatoes Thanksgiving morning, poised I stand: near cutting board, honed knife in hand. My self-taught method must suffice: ten pounds of tubers, peel and dice, pot-boil, purée with whipping cream. They grace the table, reign supreme, snow-white, and soft as forest-moss, upstaging bird and cranberry sauce. If Heaven’s...