Humor

. Poetry 101 Lecture Today we shall discuss why poems have a poor repute (Though if one dislikes poetry, apology is moot). Let’s take four types of poems with their strong points and their faults: Well-crafted love poems are a jewel; but most of them, near schmaltz. Eschew the superficiality...

. Fool’s Gold In a febrile jungle region where the threats to life are legion And deflected rays land each on greenness rich as burnished jade Ventured forth a treasure seeker, heeding not a Mayan speaker Who forewarned of visions bleaker than the jokes Camazotz played. The ascent ahead was...

. Night Visitor Between the ticking of the clock I thought I heard a haunting knock. I pondered what I thought I heard, "Perhaps the tapping of a bird?" The hearth was warm and so was I, Until a cold draft struck my thigh. The shadows seemed to dance about,...

. Ghouls Rules Out in the middle of Howling Heath Lives a mean old monster with a million teeth, In a mouth as big as a catamaran, To accommodate the limbs of moose and man, And kids that fiddle with their food at dinner While hungry kids get thinner and...

. A Seasonal Concoction He loved to have a cup of coffee in dawn’s dimmest light. It helped clear cobwebs from those heavy eyelids of the night. His narrow pumpkin head could start to gaze with orange eyes. His skeleton could once again experience surprise. The ghost-white sheets of sleepy...

. The Italian Job a true story “I’m from Pisa,” she cried with a giggle, As she leaned, towering over the man, With the beard, the bald head and the glasses, Climbing out of the janitor’s van. He cried, ”I must sort out your drainage, For your pipes are all...

. The Empirical Strikes Back Let’s emulate Liberia with measurements superior; once more we’ll weigh our cereal in ounce and pound imperial. And why not copy Myanmar--- use p.s.i. and ditch the bar? Farewell to Celsius’s scale, let Fahrenheit’s degrees prevail. We’ll mimic, too, the USA, where inch and foot...

. The Polls The polls are looking up right now, __But my faith’s not complete, Because no poll can measure how __The Democrats might cheat. . . The Boulder Field The glacial remnant boulder field, __A geological delight. Except a few stones that revealed __Graffiti some jerk had to write....

. A Southern Italian’s Reply to Shakespeare If you compare me to a summer’s day then, Bill, your mind has melted in the heat. Let’s go inside, there’s no one on the street. Just look at how the snowbirds flew away. If I were wealthy, I would not delay. Our...

. What Life Throws at Us A sentiment can sometimes get the best Of me and bring hard logic to an end. I need someone to share my destiny; Perhaps I need to find a better friend. Just why I feel this way is still a puzzle, Despite what certain...

. Ambience Oh, what a difference lighting throws __On these autumnal scenes, As back and forth it hides or shows __Drab browns or emerald greens. When cloud conceals the light of day, __The life it also drains--- Apparent is the slow decay __Of foliage that remains, But let the sun...

. The Red Sea From quite far off we smelled its salt And now stand stunned upon its shore. We stare into the writhing vault Where Moses sees a corridor. It seems there were not graves enough In Egypt so that now it’s rough And shallow holes of bloodied sand...

. I Sailed Away to Ancient Greece I sailed away to ancient Greece In search of Jason’s golden fleece. I climbed aboard the Argonaut, But could not find the fleece I sought. Odysseus was waiting there And took as pay my drachma fare. We had adventures on the sea That...

. Making Apple Butter Once he got the fire good and hot, Old Silas filled the kettle with some cider; and when it boiled down to golden amber, he added quartered apples to the pot. He settled in his chair beside the fire on this, a mild day for late...

. Brain to Heart God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart. —Ecclesiastes 3.11 To dig deep holes for bushes, shrubs— White Hydrangea, Crape Myrtle red— Sweating, grunting, post-hole digging . . . Tulips ready for flower beds. I pause, gaze...

. Never Argue with a Progressive They never tell the truth, except by accident, And when they do, they’ll tell you that they really meant The opposite, so what’s a trusting man to do? Admittedly, such perfidy is nothing new, But we would like to take a person at his...

. Green Energy with apologies to Dr. Seuss I do not like green energy Don’t subsidize it, AOC. I do not like it in the dark, My solar panels will not spark. I do not like it with no breeze, Wind generators tend to freeze. I do not like green...

. A Woodstock for China You sit within a public Chinese bus, And out the window: buildings, concrete, dust, Which all are perfect—life is simply thus. You stare with shining eyes, soft-spoken trust. A face so ruddy, beard and hair unkempt, The locals turn to stare—once, twice, again. Guitar appears,...

. Uncontrolled When my behavior needs to change, __But I can’t make that be, Such lack of self-control seems strange, __And I’m ashamed of me. Sometimes the angst I feel inside __Was planted long ago, And all success that time’s supplied __Can’t counteract back flow. . . Two Forms of...

. Vicente el Bisonte (Vincent the Bison)  Vicente el Bisonte used to live in Mexico He said, “I do not like it here, it’s time for me to go. For lunch they give me Bison Chow, Purina mixed with hay, I’m penned up in the nighttime and I’m watched throughout...

. Fire on Ice How shall I serve my anger up to you? Shall I become like one most distant star Burning intensely, far from where you are, Incinerating---infinite degrees Made a mere twinkling to the earthly view--- Till, when its light has reached you from afar, By then, my...

. Ill-used I’ve been ill-used, no other word will do; pristinely packaged, sanitised and new a month ago I stood upon display till someone paid to carry me away. Once home, he placed me in a cup whose rim was chipped and whose interior was grim. Upon a shelf, inside...

. The Last Detail Two cocksure, loud–mouthed lads one day set out, Intent on catching perch. “No,” Jim said, “trout.” The hole they headed for neither one knew: All for adventure, they sought someplace few Of their acquaintances had been before. “It’s just five hundred yards from Sandy Shore,” Said...

. Sex in the English Garden Light, feathery Astilbe Sways gently in the breeze Afraid she always will be Faint fluff beneath the trees Concealing dear Sweet William, Who rings each foxglove’s bell Mid coreopsis ruffles, While lily, like a shell With deeper inner meaning, Disdains to join with them;...

. Cruise Control? based on a real incident in San Francisco on April 1, 2022 (though not an April Fool's joke) A well-mannered Cruise driverless-car Drove light-less, but didn’t get far. Its empty seats were perused, By cops in their cruiser, confused: No driver to argue or spar! The well-mannered Cruise driverless-car Bolted...

. Milking the System We waited, we have waited, and we wait. Delays continue to increase the cost Of doing business.  Every magistrate Can understand the hours and dollars lost But yet cannot, according to the Law, Provide a satisfying remedy. It doesn’t matter what they really saw, Or how...

. Illusion At times we can’t tell what we’re looking at. It could be this or else it could be that. A beautiful young woman? Or old hag? Do lines run parallel or zig and zag? Two silhouetted faces face-to-face? Or is it just the outline of a vase? And is...

. Carcassonne by Gustave Nadaud (1820-1893) Translated by Joshua C. Frank “At sixty years, I’m getting old, And I’ve been working all my days Not being able to behold Fulfillment of my wishing gaze. I see that life on earth is filled With perfect happiness for none. My wish, it...

. Paracelsus Creating man demands not much: Combine the four base elements In right amounts; the lodestone’s touch At once should jolt him into sense. First Earth, in greatest quantity: For what is flesh but sculpted clay That feigns a crude nobility, Then quickly shrinks and wastes away? And most...

. Last Place Winner after winning the 30-34 age group with a last-place finish in a 5K Inhaling frozen oxygen, he rounds The final turn. No cheers, just muffled sounds. He barely wobbles ‘cross the finish line And checks the lit-up numbers on the sign. Nobody else is coming, there...

. The Salt Spring Island Trolls I have a boat In Fulford Bay. She does not float To my dismay. She lies forlorn Upon the shore, Ragged and torn To sail no more. An invalid All full of holes, Inhabited By empty souls. A home for sand fleas, Obsolete. Her...

. Obedience by Giuseppe Gioachino Belli (1791-1863) translated from Romanesco by Joseph S. Salemi It’s not true, Christians, what you have been told— That you need endless patience to obey. Obedience gives great rest to man, I say. That’s why the custom of obeying’s old. Listen: God blessed and joined...

. The Adjudication “I weep for you,” the Walrus said: __“I deeply sympathise.” With sobs and tears he sorted out __Those of the largest size, Holding his pocket-handkerchief __Before his streaming eyes. ---Lewis Carroll This one’s bereaved; another is divorced: One’s poem doesn’t scan; the other’s rhymes are forced. And...

. Who Shaves the Barber? shaves all those, and those only, who do not shave themselves.  —Bertrand Russell The barber had a gift for cutting hair, And once a month the men who lived in town Would take a seat upon his cushioned chair To have four weeks of outgrowth...

. Cracked Liberty Bell July the 4th—Independence. Many bands play. Parades pass by— Fireworks fly. __Rocket’s red glare . . . 1900. A song was sung From old to young: Lift every voice— They sang, rejoiced! __And shunned despair. Stoney we trod. Bitter our rod. True to our God, Who...

. Food for Thought A Culinary Tale There once was a man wan and pallid, he Suffered from a mysterious malady: __He ate carrots and greens, __Ripe tomatoes and beans, But eschewed anything that's not salad-y. Now his wife, she was plump, but quite purty, Euphemistically "big-boned" or "sturdy"; __Which...

. A Conceit or Just a Similitude? Two Brief Illustrations from Sir John Suckling by Joseph S. Salemi One of the earliest things one learns in poetry is the distinction between a simile and a metaphor. In clearest terms, a simile makes use of the word like or as to...

. Daedalus Icarus, you have disobeyed, As all men do, and dearly paid. Too recklessly your heart did fly Between high seas and louring sky. The wings I gave you, it is true, But what would you have had me do? No hand does good, no heart loves well Constrained...

. Poetry Lessons The poet said he’d show and never tell--- His imagery would mesmerize and blaze. In quatrains laced with Aphrodite’s spell, His sibilance would scintillate and daze. The poet said he’d kiss the listening ear With similes as smooth as silken lips. His spondees would ignite the stratosphere In scores of metaphors. They would eclipse The waxing moon. His dactyls dipped in gold...

. Thank You Note from an Assisted Living Facility Thank you for the Happy Birthday. Never thought I'd live this long. Though my hair is turning gray I still can hear a clanging gong. I thought my cake was set on fire. Ran and set off the alarm. Thought the...