Shave Off Those Whiskers
_I do not understand
Why some men don’t shave their whiskers.
_A beard or a mustache
Will turn you into harried risktakers.
_You never know what’s hiding
Entombed inside a bushy beard—
_A fly or spider’s parts?
I’ve heard it’s true though it sounds weird.
_What girls would want to kiss
The scratchy faces of bearded men
_When they can’t tell for sure
Where those shadowy beards have been!
_He dipped it in the hot sauce,
Next, he fell into the mud;
_He dribbled apple strudel,
And then forgot to clean the crud.
_So be a real Prince Charming
Who wears a chiseled marble face
_And ease that is disarming—
An angel with some shiny grace.
And if you love to let your whiskers grow
Reply in verse in comments down below.
LTC Roy E. Peterson, US Army Military Intelligence and Russian Foreign Area Officer (Retired) has published more than 7,100 poems in 100 of his 123 books. He has been an Army Attaché in Moscow, Commander of INF Portal Monitoring in Votkinsk, first US Foreign Commercial Officer in Vladivostok, Russia and Regional Manager in the Russian Far East for IBM. He holds a BA, Hardin-Simmons University (Political Science); MA, University of Arizona (Political Science); MA, University of Southern California (Int. Relations) and MBA University of Phoenix. He taught at the University of Arizona, Western New Mexico University, University of Maryland, Travel University and the University of Phoenix.
I had a beard for many years. Then my first son was born, and soon he didn’t want to kiss me, because my beard tickled him. Off went the beard, and it just stayed off. Thanks for the fun read, Roy.
Thank you, Russel for the precious response.
Very good Roy – and highly timely for me. My wife wanted me to grow a beard, but as the shoots grew, I did find myself feeling very itchy and noticed I was constantly stroking my face. So when my wife was out, I got a really powerful trimmer and that was that – like you, I am a real Prince Charming now – and watch that twinkle in my eyes!
Excellent comment. I briefly tried it but could not even blow my nose without leaks. You look great without a beard.
A very fun poem, Roy. I’ve been bearded and clean-shaven and both have their pros and cons. The beard shows too much gray yet clean-shaven makes me look pudgy. A goatee has turned out to be a good compromise.
That makes sense to me. Thank you for recognizing the fun in this. I read about the problems in a study some time ago.
Thank you for making me smile with your fun poem, Roy. BUT as a woman married to a man with a beard — I’m standing firmly on the side of those whiskers… shampooed and combed, of course.
Bless you, Susan. I have seen Mike’s beard, and it looks impeccable.
Roy, I spent most of my life beardless… when I married Susan, I grew my glorious beard for her! I do wonder, though, if she just wanted some of this ugly mug camouflaged!
As I just told Susan, your beard looks great and more importantly, impeccably clean.
I have been both, but I discovered that a short and well-trimmed Renaissance/Elizabethan beard suited me best.
Some women loathe beards, but many others find it an irresistible sexual fetish that turns them on. The thing about it is that it is exclusively masculine, just as breasts are exclusively feminine and therefore a fetish for many men.
Interesting response. I somehow imagined you with that type of beard. I am sure it makes you look even more distinguished.
Some beards look really good on certain faces. Fun poem Roy. Definitely a conversation starter or inspiration for a rhyme:
A beard is a catchall that does not preclude,
Gross nasal secretions or spillover food.
It hoards every morsel and hides it quite well,
It’s known as the Dribbles Leftover Hotel.
Norma, this is a wonderful contribution. I love it all, especially the “Dribbles Leftover Hotel.”
not in verse, but an established definition: “razor (n): an instrument of futility, consuming the 15 minutes per day when a person might accomplish something. The female sex used to experience accomplishment before it (she?) succumbed to advertising, and sacrificed itself (herself?) to the razor, joining the shaving male majority in the zero-sum game (this is why male authors, scholars, evolutionary biologists, and heroes generally, are so often bearded, and why female heroes wear enough clothes that their private parts are inscrutable).”
Fred, this is an interesting definition scrounged up from some place and a cultural change that has taken place in recent years.
All I have is a totally gray mustache, which doesn’t even filter out plankton. Shaving is a pain and a total waste of time: The hair always grows back and is hard to remove if you wait more than four or five days. In any event, I am not planning to audition for Santa Claus anytime soon, so I still keep a razor handy.
I love your take on “not planning to audition for Santa Claus…”
Here are a couple of reasons why the military requires clean shaven men with good haircuts:
MILITARY MEN BECAME CLEAN SHAVEN
By Roy E. Peterson
When men were in the trenches
in the First Word War,
They began to itching
more, and more, and more.
They found out the reason
was hair would soon trap lice.
The Army began shaving
under good advice.
By early 1900s, military
whiskers disappeared.
Industrial machinery made
long hair to be feared.
Mechanization such as tankers
soon appeared.
It was time for military
men to shave their beard.
Imagine pulling tread
on an Abrams tank.
While you were pulling,
your beard into it sank.
Kicking and screaming
you would sheer your face.
Then your commander
would need you to be replaced.
Or think of a truck motor
that would be rotating.
If it caught your beard,
you would soon be aching.
Welcome to the Army.
Recruits must shave their head.
No beard is permitted
for so the Sergeant said.
Remember in the 70s when the Navy let men grow beards? They looked like civilians in Halloween costumes. Just another aspect of that sloppy decade.
A clean shaven man in a fedora next to a spirited woman in a gown made those old movies a pleasure to watch. Only the glum and uninteresting characters wore beards in those films.
I do remember the Navy letting men grow beards. Interesting comments and perspective, Gerard. Thank you.
During World War II nearly all enlisted men were clean shaven, but I have seen photos of some U.S. soldiers with a pencil-thin mustache at that time. The clean-shaven rule wasn’t universally enforced. In combat situations at the front line, soldiers had normal growths of beard, but nobody made a fuss about it in those conditions. In Bill Mauldin’s famous cartoons of the war, all soldiers in the field (both American and Axis) were shown with a stubby growth of facial hair. Some stupid officers objected to these cartoons, but Mauldin said “I’ll draw them like they are.”
Fun topic, Roy. Men can decide, but there are a few, including my husband, who look better with a beard (nicely trimmed). I’ve seen his chin only once, when a trimming barber made a mistake, and I agree with the Navy in letting him grow it as a young officer. He does, however, make every joke you’ve made about beards, so it does have some usefulness in promoting good humor, as well as concealing less attractive skin, and providing sea captain dignity.
Margaret, I remember writing a comment on your wonderful comments, but just discovered it did not post. I can fully identify with your remarks about a nicely trimmed beard. In fact, the couple of items I mentioned about sauce and spiders is from a study I read a long time ago where they combed through a bunch of beards and analyzed the results. There was a lot more found, but I could not remember them.