Mice and Midges
Please remove your shoes of leather
During this inclement weather.
Also boots with deepest ridges,
Full of bits of mice and midges.
Footwear wet with spew or spoor,
Should not pass beyond this door.
Running shoes appearing white,
Underneath may harbor blight
Or parasites or slimy scales
That might infect our toes and nails
And henceforth, as the stairs we tread,
May find their way into our bed
And cause our innards to explode,
Marrying us to our commode.
So earnestly we do implore,
Please leave your footwear at the door.
Sit
Darling… if you think of me,
Do not lift the seat to pee.
Rest yourself I do implore,
This is what the seat is for.
Certain things are fundamental.
Sloppy aim drives women mental.
Though you think you have control,
This is not a giant bowl.
Yes, when camping ‘neath the sky,
Go ahead and let it fly,
But at home to score a hit,
Kindly think of me… and sit!
Unless of course you say: By gosh!
I’m always in the mood to wash
the toilet every time I tinkle.
What a joy to wipe each sprinkle
from the floor and to be frank,
I love to clean around the tank,
the toilet rim and full exterior,
eradicating all bacteria.
So tell me, do you acquiesce,
Agreeing to clean up your mess.
If not my darling, I submit,
You kindly think of me… and sit!
Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.
Norma, the highest compliment I can pay you is to say that these two pieces produced an audible smile, if I can put it that way! I really admire the flow, the succinctness and, above all, the wit. Thank you.
Thank you Martin. Your comments are really appreciated. Would an audible smile be a laugh! So happy I made you laugh.
I love trochaics, and these are perfectly composed. In addition, they are shamelessly funny!
They also bring up the possibility of cultural differences. In some nations (like Japan), persons are expected to remove their footwear before entering a home. It’s a sensible thing to do, and avoids much of the trouble foreseen in “Mice and Midges.” In other places, men normally sit when they use a toilet bowl to urinate, so that unhygienic splashing doesn’t occur. If a toilet is shared by both sexes, it is common courtesy for men to do what the poem “Sit” asks.
I’m glad we’re getting some poems on earthier subjects!
Thank you for your interesting comments Joseph. I wasn’t sure if the SIT poem would be acceptable to the SCP and almost didn’t send it. My daughter said to send it because it was my ‘thang’. I like your description of it’s subject matter as ‘earthy’.
Not only are these poems hilarious, but they also feel a lot like folk wisdom.
C.B. I really appreciate ‘hilarious’ and that you think I am wise. You do think that don’t you!! 🙂
Wise is just a brand of potato chips & other snacks, Norma, but, as they say in Boston, you ah wicked smaht.
Norma, I can’t recall ever reading such laugh-out-loud humor from you with lines like “And cause our innards to explode, Marrying us to our commode”; your rhymes like “mice and midges”, and “spew or spoor” are great. Both poems extremely well done.
Thank you so much Cheryl for your lovely comments.
Norma, once again your humor is something I well appreciate. I suspect that through the humor there is a serious intent to communicate cultural sensitivities to us all, which you have done with wonderful aplomb.
Thank you Roy. I really appreciate your comments.
Norma, with some children’s verse on the subject of “Sit,” I imagine you could earn royalties! I once owned a valuable booklet called “Toilet Training in One Day,” which accomplished the feat when the trainer did not let the trainee think of anything else during one “wasted” day. It would have been amusing to have some of the scripted conversation in rhymed verse, and while I don’t expect to take up the task again, there are always new mothers who could form a market for an expanded edition.
Thank you for your comments Margaret. “Toilet Training in One Day” sounds pretty intense and is it even possible. I personally think a more relaxed approach to the subject of toilet training works better than expecting a child to ‘sit’ all day until something ‘happens’ !! Can a small child sit still for even one minute. 🙂 I’ve heard that some people can train their cats to use the toilet. That is something I’d like to see…. or maybe not!
It works! You don’t just say “Sit” all day, but while you demonstrate with an anatomically correct doll, you talk of nothing other than the potty process and whether or when the child feels ready to try it. That kind of gentle direction is what I would have liked in verse. Including “Here is a drink or lunch or snack that may bring on the feeling.” The hours “wasted” are really nothing when you think of the possibility of weeks of “accidents” and clean-up due to slow learning.
‘And cause our innards to explode, / Marrying us to our commode.’ Been there!
To pee, indeed, we all should sit,
Just as we do whene’er we …..knit.
Thanks for the humour, Norma.
Thank you for commenting Paul. Glad you enjoyed my humorous take on one of the ‘unmentionable’ subjects that are a part of ‘life is messy….. clean it up’.
Norma, it’s lovely to see you back on the pages of the SCP with admirably-crafted poems that are utterly hilarious. What more could one ask for in these dark days of woe. Norma, thank you for a double dose of medicinal poetic delight! More please!! Thank you!
Susan, thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I wish these were recent creations but sadly I still have not come up with anything new. Writers block is a real thing!!