Snootsplaining
For every galoot there’s a dutiful snoot
Acutely aware that their truth’s absolute.
They jabber and jaw as they bore to the root
Of topics that wallop the nincompoop mute.
For every galoot there’s a dutiful snoot
To set cretins straight with the weight of a brute.
For every buffoon there’s a scrupulous snob
To hector and hammer and make it their job
To lecture the lowbrow and lift up the slob
To swaggering spheres of the sniffiest knob.
For every buffoon there’s a scrupulous snob
To elevate oafs with their gaseous gob.
For every bad egg there’s a diligent prig
To preach till they purge every trace of the pig
That grunts at the core of the twits slow to twig
Their wonders are small, and their blunders are big.
For every bad egg there’s a diligent prig
To pester the pillocks who don’t give a fig.
One snarky remark sparks a Freudian quip
From trumpeting snots of unstoppable lip.
With tongues spitting sermons that sting like a whip
They lash all the jackasses not on their trip.
One snarky remark sparks a Freudian quip
From cavernous cakeholes that call for a zip.
For each weary ear there’s a bombastic boffin
Whose trap prattles on from the crib to the coffin.
Susan Jarvis Bryant is a poet originally from the U.K., now living on the Gulf Coast of Texas.
“One snarky remark sparks a Freudian quip
From trumpeting snots of unstoppable lip.
With tongues spitting sermons that sting like a whip
They lash all the jackasses not on their trip” –
sounds a little like something a satiristic poet might be guilty of composing from time to time.
Absolutely as good and as clever as it gets, Susan. You’re one-of-a-kind and one-of-the-best, my dear. 🙂
Mark, thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m glad you liked my Freudian quip stanza. I laughed when I thought of that. You have made me smile.
Susan, you’ve done it again — an amazing tour de force of language and rhyme!
Here I am, in the midst of grading papers and quizzes, and I needed a break. I come to the SCP, and I find this utterly delightful confection of monorhyme stanzas, alliteration, internal rhyme, sophisticated vituperation (“cavernous cakeholes that call for a zip” is a line for the ages!), and sharp dactylic smacks… what a treat!
We need more material of this type at the SCP. There’s nothing wrong with poems about love and flowers and seasons and piety and higher feelings. But those things aren’t all that the world is about. A poem like “Snootsplaining” opens up a window on some of the anger and contempt and rage that we all feel at times, and our very human need to call out the stupidity and arrogance of self-appointed elitists and “explainers.”
The tone and structure of this poem remind me of Clough when he wasn’t being preachy and high-minded. Susan, your work is stellar.
Joe, it pleases me greatly to think my bit of snootsplaining fun managed to bring you a bit of light relief from your duties. And I’m especially pleased you enjoyed all the poetic bells and whistles ringing throughout the stanzas… and most of all the humor born from exasperation. I believe some of my best poems are written when I’m burning with glowering passion. I’m beginning to embrace my curmudgeonly side. I’m glad you mentioned Clough. “The Latest Decalogue” is one of my favorites – below for anyone who wants to read it:
Arthur Hugh Clough (1819-1861)
The Latest Decalogue
Thou shalt have one God only; who
Would tax himself to worship two?
God’s image nowhere shalt thou see,
Save haply in the currency:
Swear not at all; since for thy curse
Thine enemy is not the worse:
At church on Sunday to attend
Will help to keep the world thy friend:
Honor thy parents; that is, all
From whom promotion may befall:
Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive
Officiously to keep alive:
Adultery it is not fit
Or safe, for women, to commit:
Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,
When ’tis so lucrative to cheat:
False witness not to bear be strict;
And cautious, ere you contradict.
Thou shalt not covet; but tradition
Sanctions the keenest competition.
Joe, thank you very much indeed!
So agree with the above gentlemen. Love this poem
from its seductive title to gems like…well I’d have to
reprint the whole poem. You are a poetic wonder.
jd, thank you very much for your kind and appreciative comment. It pleases me to think you’ve enjoyed the biting quirk of my naughty Muse. It’s all her fault!
I recently tried mono-rhyming. Doing it as you’ve done successfully here is very hard to do. Yet another witty and successful take down of people who deserve every biting comment you’ve made here. I enjoyed the last couplet. It’s amazing how they continue non-stop from cradle to grave without ever gaining one bit of wisdom.
Warren, thank you! Monorhyme is a little tricky, but it seemed to suit the far from subtle subject matter, and when I got into my poetic stride, it came naturally. And you’re right, it’s amazing how these windy snootsplainers blow their eternal trumpets loud enough to block out any whisper of wisdom that opposes their blasts of hot air. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so tiresome. I believe there’s a surge of snootplainers taking over the planet… they must be called out before it’s too late. You’re doing an excellent job, Warren!
Susan, a major study has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt
that only 10% of all human generated CO2 comes from
the goofballs, the barbecuers, the internal combustion car
drivers, the wicked, and all of the unenlightened that don’t
want to eat fake meat.
The other 90% comes from all the snootsplainers…
not from their private jets, but from their incessant snootsplaining!
I have a link to that study someplace…
Susan, I love being around while you write. This one gave us days of joy and laughter. I’ve already told you that I consider “Snootsplaining” one of your best. I still say your best is “My Wicked Way With Words” but this one comes close. Also, I would like to point out that only snootsplainers and ne’er-do-wells consider your words wicked because your poems always shine light upon their wickedness. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful…
Biggest Fan, I couldn’t have written this without your encouragement, and I just love the way you’ve picked up on the joy and laughter aspect of my poetry writing. Even if the subject matter has been prompted by exasperation… I always end up smiling and I’m thrilled readers are smiling along with me. Mike, thank you!
Sarcastic and cynical and a tongue twister, as well.
Where would poetry be without a smidgen of sarcasm, cynicism, and tongue-twisting torment, Margaret? It pleases me to think of the variety this site offers, especially today. I recommend all those who have just read my poem to read yours immediately for equilibrium to be restored. Thank you very much indeed!
I’ve been re-reading Susan’s powerful poem, and something has come to mind. Do others notice that, when liberal and leftist on-line papers publish a news story, the headline/title always follows the following pattern: “The War in Gaza: What You Need to Know,” or “Attacks on Drug Boats: What You Need to Know”.
This is a red flag about the article or story. It will be an earnest attempt to propagandize you to believe a certain narrative approved by an editorial staff. The title is really saying this before you start reading: “Never mind what your common sense or the opposition are saying — here’s the real truth about the subject in question. Just follow out Party Line without demurral or criticism.”
People who are “explainers” are actually what might better be called “gatekeepers” or “censors.” Their job (sometimes official, and sometimes self-appointed) is to make sure that only the Deep-State approved version of reality gets public acknowledgment, and that heterodox opinions are silenced or kept at arm’s length from the public. “Explainers” are always smug, self-satisfied, and aware of their superior social status to anyone who presumes to argue with them or question their statements.
What is really exciting today is that, for the first time in many decades, people are forcefully telling these “explainers” to just bugger off. This is what is really terrifying to liberals: they no longer can create “consensus” and force us to swallow it by telling us “What You Need to Know.” For these reasons, Susan’s poem is powerfully relevant and contemporary.
Joe, you make a very important point. For years the general public has been propagandized and taken full advantage of to their detriment, and now those who have seen this have pushed past the arbiters of the truth, chosen to do their own independent research, and realized that the bought-and-paid-for charlatans aren’t the “experts” they claimed to be. Those who push their opinion with no room for others’ viewpoints or questions should be avoided… or even better, called out. I believe we’re beyond polite niceties in the interest of keeping the peace. “Bugger off!” is my new response to snootsplainers who tell me they know it all – a sure sign they don’t.
Susan, your meter carries the message skillfully. Any whimsy serves your arrow well. Thank you for the deft focus this morning. I trust the Journalism School at UGA / 1980s currently sees the late-act, bitter fruit of their short game of Agenda Setting. I remember asking my girlfriend about it. She studied (or, was trained in) Communication. She grimaced, then answered, “yes, that’s…pretty much the case.” I majored in Communication/Rhetoric/Franklin College of Liberal Arts. In that day, we were sometimes looked on with contempt.
Let the long-arc bows of the poets have their day, not unlike the Battle of Agincourt / Henry V.
And Psalm 123, from the Seedbed Psalter Online: “Have mercy on us, Lord, we pray / For we’ve endured much scorn / Endured contempt from proud who scoff — their ridicule we’ve borne.” Hallelujah – and thank you for your writ.
Alec, your comment made me smile and nod in agreement. Agincourt, Agenda Setting, Psalm 123, and a dollop of hard-earned skepticism — that’s quite the heady mix, and I enjoyed every bit. Your line about your girlfriend being “trained in” Communication says much. I do think a fair few are finally catching on to how often they’ve been herded toward approved opinions by people who mistake credentials for wisdom. There’s a huge difference between informing people and steering them like cattle. My poem was written in jest, but like most satire, there’s a stark message between the lines.
And I love your image of poets as longbowmen at Agincourt. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching puffed-up know-it-alls get punctured by a well-aimed verse. As for Psalm 123 — yes indeed. We’ve endured more than our fair share of scoffing from the smug and self-appointed.
Here’s hoping snoots run out of hot air before poets run out of arrows. Thank you kindly, Alec!
Susan, This is oh so much the type of poem that I like. Well done! Mark
Mark, I am thrilled to have entertained you with my wacky way with words. Thank you for your lovely comment!
Great topic, brilliantly Susanistically explored. Always a joy!
Russel, it’s always great to get an encouraging comment from your good self, and I just love the term “Susanistically” – it’s made me smile. Thank you very much!
Susan, one cannot argue either with the satiric point you make or with the sheer exuberant perfection of this poem! I love the tongue-twisting internal rhymes tamed into submission by those saucy monosyllabic end rhymes (finally relieved – by death – in the final couplet.) I laughed out loud reading this hilarious piece – and it is a long time since I’ve had such a rollicking time reading literature. You have done a superb job of putting those snoots snobs and prigs in their place. I can’t even choose a line as a favorite because they’re all so good, but what I especially love – LOVE – about this piece is your breezy facility with vocabulary. I love words like pillock and boffin and cakeholes and cretins and nincompoops. You get away with unusual language without it sounding in the least bit pretentious or shoehorned in. It’s a marvelous gift that few poets possess and you make it look so easy when I know full well that it is the highly concentrated fine-tuned work of a master jeweler.
I think the form of the poem is clever as all heck – I assume you invented this form with the fifth line of each stanza acting as a repetend of the first…? This is a wonderful poem to read aloud and I have no doubt you could have kept on going. Susan, I have a cheeky suggestion: now do “schmuck.”
Brian, I am over the moon this poem entertained you enough to make you laugh. I was laughing as I wrote it. If one has the choice of laughing or crying during times of unending snootsplaining, I would much rather giggle in the faces of the loquacious.
I loved your suggestion so much, I couldn’t ignore it. Here’s an extra stanza just for you:
One chirp from a chump prompts a tut from a schmuck –
A better of letters with plenty of pluck
To tell every boneheaded dingbat they suck.
Their maws are as mean as a runaway truck.
One chirp from a chump prompts a tut from a schmuck
Who struts like a peacock and clucks like a duck.
Brian, thank you very much indeed!
Thank you for accepting my challenge, Susan! I love this extra stanza so much! I was wondering what rhyme words you would use, whether you’d get a little stuck, or if your love of language would go amok. There was one other word I was hoping to see but perhaps that calls for a different sort of poem.
Omg Susan, your poem gives away the neuro-linguistic programming playbook of the bombastic boffins and exposes their craft. And you manage to do it all in one short poem, rather than a long-winded treatise which most people don’t have the time to read. This outstanding poem is as entertaining as it is educational, great job!
Yael, I just love your comment! When I write a poem that hints at the machinations of the all-knowing masters and suggest these know-it-all manipulators might not be as knowledgeable as they claim, I know I have been successful in my endeavor to offer a poetic viewpoint that might prompt more than mere laughter… questioning the manner and motives of those who know it all is essential to survival in a post-truth world. Yael, thank you for getting to the core of my quirkiness. It means a lot!
Susan, since you wrote “Snootsplaining” I have been laughing at the inspired title. I have looked it up, and cannot find the word “snoopsplain” anywhere on the web. Since no one else has said it, I have decided to call it a neologism coined by you!
You have coined more than a few new words. I suppose we should make a list.
Peter Hartley was particularly taken with your neologisms and made it clear when he expounded his praise, overblown and hilarious as it is, in the comment section of “Review: ‘Light In the Darkness—The Poetry of Peter Hartley’” a review of his book by James Tweedie.
I miss Peter. I hope he sees this and smiles.
Shows a real love of language I think, I appreciated it…
Thank you very much!
I enjoyed the musicality in this poem a lot. I am looking forward to continue reading your poems.
Paul, I’m thrilled you enjoyed the poem. Thank you for your appreciative and encouraging comment.
Paul Millan, at the top of each page there is a small magnifying glass icon. You can use that to search for a list of the poems of every poet who has ever had a poem published here in the last twelve years or so. Just click the little logo and when the box comes up type the name of the poet you would like to read more of then click the logo that’s in the box!
You will get a list, with the illustration, of every post!
Thank you for the advice, Mike.
Susan, you have so many words flying around in your head that I’d be surprised if you were able to speak plain prosaic English without especial effort, like my old linguistics professor. I thin’ you got some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy.
C.B., you never fail to make me smile. Thank you!
Absolutely blooming wonderful Susan. I loved reading this out loud. I hope the trumpeting snots can read this, and then sod off.
Jeff, it’s great to hear from you! I’m so pleased you enjoyed my snotty offering… and only wish I had shoe-horned in a “sod off!” for good measure. Thank you!
Delightful, penned with a facility that betrays the difficulty of rhyming all six verses in each stanza.
Adam, I always appreciate your fine eye. Thank you!
Hah! You are as always utterly, surgically, delightfully sharp. Thanks for that, quite literally ‘laugh out loud’ break to my night-time reading.
Rohini, thank you very much indeed. It’s always lovely to hear from you, and to know I’ve made you laugh out loud means the snootsplainers of the world can be as humorous as they are vexatious… a good thing… I think. LOL
Susan, as a late responder due to my own problems, I can only echo those who expressed their awe as I do of your manifest linguistic fluidity and complexity. I further noted your responsive poem to Brian’s schmuck challenge and am as infatuated with that, as well! Your poems are dramatic, endearing, entertaining, unique, and the accolades go on to infinity.
Roy, what a wonderful and inspirational comment for this poet with a wry eye for life’s paradoxical quirks. I’m especially glad to see you here. I have a sneaking feeling snootsplainers may be avoiding my poetic confrontation in the interest of keeping snootsplaining alive for the purpose of kicking their lessers into touch. Roy, thank you very much for your continued support and appreciation. I hope your problems are soon solved.
How wonderfully clever. I can add nothing to the comments of admiration already made. I will leave you with the following, however. I recently read to one of our local poetry groups your past poem on tattoos from a couple of years or so ago. The laughter it evoked is a tribute to your brilliant wit.
Terry, it’s always great to hear from you. I’m so pleased you enjoyed this poem, and I’m thrilled you made your local poetry group laugh with my poem on tattoos. Laughter is in short supply these days, so I’m over the moon to hear this. Thank you!
Susan, you will be happy to know that your newly-coined word, “Snootsplaining” is now in the, I mean, in a dictionary!
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Snootsplaining
Susan, congratulations! It’s not easy to create a coinage and have it accepted.
Joe, thank you very much indeed! This was a lovely surprise, thanks to my biggest fan.