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A Birthday Prayer
Dear God, a new year has begun,
My thirty-fourth of blessèd life.
You’ve given children, lovely wife,
And lately, happy, newborn son.
We have, by your munificence,
Enough intelligence and health,
Sufficient store of worldly wealth,
A humble, city residence.
You’ve sent me teachers, priests, and friends
Who act as vehicles of grace,
As mirrors of Your Holy Face,
Through whom Your Providence extends.
I thank you, Lord, for all your gifts,
But thanks that I have versified
Are not enough if not inscribed
On heart; thus, vice to virtue shifts.
You ask this, only, in return,
And, I admit, I’ve fallen short.
I’ve little virtue to report,
Though life may any time adjourn.
This day next year, if it be granted,
Please God, in grace let me have grown,
Enslaving yoke of sin be thrown,
By love of Christ, soul be enchanted.
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Jonathan Shoulta has a B.A. in philosophy from Benedictine College and is pursuing an M.A. in Classical Studies. He lives in the Kansas City metro area.
Thank you for this graceful poem, Jonathan. I am quite envious as I have a small journal for “Godly” poems I have written which is quite sparse. I would be happy to include this one if I had written it.
This prayer is an excellent way to begin my Sunday. I can feel your heartfelt gratitude, humility, love, and sentiments!
This is an excellent poem of humility and thanksgiving, and the ABBA rhyme scheme is handled well. I always feel that ABBA is somewhat more difficult and prone to awkwardness than the common ABAB, but Shoulta has no problem at all with it.
I have one criticism. There seems to be a fixation on syllable counting (every single line has EXACTLY eight syllables), and this compels the poet to omit both definite and indefinite articles in five lines. As a result, parts of the poem have a telegraphic, unidiomatic feel. The lines I am thinking about are:
3 – [a] lovely wife
4 – [a] happy, newborn son
16 – On [the] heart
23 – [The] enslaving yoke
24 – [the] soul
All these unidiomatic omissions could be fixed either by elision (line 23), or by some deft rewriting. But it is more important to remember that traditional metrical composition isn’t done by counting syllables. It’s perfectly OK to have seven or nine syllables in some lines, as long as you maintain your four stresses.
Jonathan, this is a fine birthday prayer. I especially like stanza 3, giving thanks for persons in one’s life who mirror God’s Holy Face as only a person can. I also recall that the Holy Face is (in the devotion by that name) the Church on earth, and these persons therefore picture her indefectible majesty, even in times when she is beset by many troubles caused or worsened by leaders who fail to shine with her true glory.
I very much second Joseph Salemi’s recommendation that you try for greater idiomatic fluency by using articles where ordinary speech requires them. As he says, the number of stresses per line, not the number of syllables, sets the meter.
Especially, the non-idiomatic last two lines don’t offer the clear ending your beautiful poem deserves. In line 23, “to throw a yoke” is not an English idiom. You are thinking of “cast off a yoke,” but to ask that something be thrown is not the same as asking that it be cast off. May I suggest you use another word having connotations of slavery, to rewrite the line as “Sin’s mastery be overthrown”? Overthrowing a master or ruler is idiomatic. And with that second “be” in the stanza, I think you could omit the third as understood, making your final line, “By love of Christ, the soul enchanted.”