To Thine Own Text Be True
For My Autocorrect on Valentine’s Day
You turn my hope to mope, my bliss to dross,
My win to sin, my better into bitter.
Your lunacy has left me at a loss.
You make my finer fellow-texters titter.
I’m now a shitshow of my former elf.
What used to be alive is now a lie.
Your heresy has left me on the shelf—
A message leper eating mumble pie.
I feel your lingual yen to tease and twist
My words until they’re worms that eat away
At all I say till sentiments lose gist
And cooks are cocks at Malaprop’s buffet.
Although your crazy phrases are my bane
I’ve come to love your riotous refrain.
Susan Jarvis Bryant is a poet originally from the U.K., now living on the Gulf Coast of Texas.
Susan, I see you joined in on Valentine’s Day humor. We all have to do a final review these days after typing out our missives or we could face unintended consequences.
Roy, thank you! I love a bit of humor on Valentine’s day, and I’m happy to join you in a Valentine’s Day giggle. I happen to think laughter is an aphrodisiac… and it’s a lot less costly than oysters.
Another Susan tour-de-force of brilliant ideas, alliteration, and turns of phrases like “mumble pie”. And I’m so glad you included dear old Mrs. Malaprop!
Thank you, Cynthia, and a very happy Valentine’s Weekend to you and Paul. Mrs. Malaprop simply had to make an appearance – I can’t look at an autocorrected text without having her springing to mind.
What a great laugh! And as always, Susan, superb.
The autocorrect feature on my phone turns my name to Rhino! Perhaps I should write a poem about that!
Rohini, thank you! And you simply have to write that Rhino poem – this is the sort of wayward behavior from autocorrect that stole my heart.
Autocorrect has bin nibbling a weigh @ my poa tree 4 the passed few years, Mrs. Briand, and tho my peaces maybe a bet bitter four it, it’s literarily driven me two the same buffet. What a fun piece, Susan.
We can only imagine where the really-goods & really-bads of AI is going to take us… Happy T-day again… 🙂
Happy T-weekend, Mark, and thank you for this worm smile of a comment – it has made my dahlia!
What fun, Susan, to laugh ’til I cried reading this. “Autocorrect” provides yet another example of “Don’t fix what isn’t broken.'” Especially for writers who scrutinize every character before sending anything out, autocorrect causes the loss of more time, as we try to fix its errors as well as our own. Thanks so much for the enjoyable read and medicinal laughter.
… autocorrect can also cause the loss of relationships if one isn’t extra careful. lol Jan, thank you so much for this – a daily dose of laughter is essential to our equilibrium in this warped world. My aim is to titter my way through tragic times.
Susan, this poem is an amazonian and hilarious delta!
Autocorrect has long been both something of a bugaboo and a source of merriment. I remember seeing a Facebook meme which showed the Wicked Witch of the West on her broom skywriting over Oz. The caption: “Suspender Dorothy.”
Harpy Valuation Day, Susan (and Mike)!
Brian, frank you! Your gift of a comment is hysteriously fuddy! Valentine’s Day saddens me. It reminds me that all the world’s a stain and how many wander lonely as a Clouseau in search of trite love. Luckily, I found my Mr. Crotchester… and reaper, I marinaded him.
Susan, this is a great sonnet on a computerized plague.
Isn’t there any way to turn this goddamned “Autocorrect” off? Literate human beings DON’T NEED IT!
Joe, thank you very much indeed! You’re absolutely right, I know – but that OFF switch would make life a whole lot easier, and I’m on the brink of accepting that life means suffering, and it’s a privilege to do so. I’m only on the second rung of the victimhood ladder – Autocorrect is my friend.
Clever sonnet addressed to your autocorrect. I enjoyed reading it; the elf part made me chuckle, the self got autocorrected, haha. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Paul. I’m so glad you enjoyed my sonnet. The shadow of my former self is gone forever, thanks to Autotext – I’m embracing my new persona with glee!
Clever, fun-to-read sonnet, Susan. I especially liked “Malaprop’s buffet.”
Paul, thank you so much. I’m thrilled you liked “Malaprop’s buffet” – there was a feast of fun to be had with this one.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Mike, and Autocorrect, Susan. Since you love Autocorrect, you may want to treat him to some fine dining for Valentine’s. Check out these amazing menu choices:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLPpp2jpi4o
Did you know that there is a Chinese restaurant named Translate Server Error?
Yael… is that video from the unredacted Epstein files???
Inquiring minds want to know.
I believe you’re right, Mike. I think we’ve just moved from Pizzagate to Eggrolls!
Yes, possibly, maybe. I found the above video on this totally obscure under-liked YT channel while searching for a picture of the Translate Server Error Chinese restaurant. I thought that Susan and Mr. Autocorrect would probably enjoy it for V day.
Yael, a very happy Valentine’s Weekend to you! If laughter really is medicinal, I am now cured of all that ails me. Those menu choices had me laughing so long and so loud, I believe I am as healthy as I’m likely to get. I cannot thank you enough! There is just one drawback – our local Chinese restaurant has just lost my custom.
Thank you for saying what we all feel so exquisitely1 :<)
Bob, thank you most kindly. It’s great to know you enjoyed my rather unusual Valentine’s sonnet.
In the same vein of humour, I refer readers to https://www.clivejames.com/windows-is-shutting-down.html.
Martin, thank you so much for this. I love it! I’m a huge fan of Clive James. You sent me straight to my bookshelf to retrieve his poetry book “Sentenced to Life” and read “Japanese Maple” – which has filled my Sunday morning with wonder.
Great poem, great topic! Autocorrect is my enema!
Michael, you have an excrement sense of humor – I’m laughing so much, my sides are sh*%ting!
To Everyone who is sick and tired of AUTOCORRECT!
In the Desktop App (Word for Microsoft 365/Word 2021 etc.)
If you want full control:
Go to File → Options.
Select Proofing.
Click AutoCorrect Options….
On the AutoCorrect tab, clear Replace text as you type and any other boxes you don’t want.
You can also explore the AutoFormat and AutoFormat As You Type tabs to turn off other automatic formatting behaviors.
https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/office/turn-autocorrect-on-or-off-in-word-9f5a0684-05f6-4510-b419-8f0034caefe4?utm_source=chatgpt.com
OR
In Word for the Web (Microsoft 365 / Word Online)
Open your document in the browser.
Go to the Review tab.
Click the Editor button (or the small arrow/triangle next to it).
Choose AutoCorrect Options… from the list.
In the dialog that appears, uncheck Replace text as you type.
This stops most automatic replacements as you type.
Note: Word for the web doesn’t expose all AutoCorrect/AutoFormat settings that the desktop app does, so some automatic formatting (like lists or bullets) might still happen and can’t be fully disabled there.
Mike, you fun-sucker, you!
Susan, you would do a service to the SCP if you were to write an essay in which you reflect on the development of your own unique compositional style.
Daniel.
Daniel, what an interesting idea. The trouble is, I’m pretty good at appreciating what other poets do, but I’m not sure I have come to terms with what I do or even how I do it… and when I do work it out, I may bore everyone senseless with the finds.
I’m sure Mike means it this way too, Susan: you’re very funny! This is a delicious mayhem and word fest. I love the line: “I’m now a shitshow of my former elf.” I am still chuckling as I read it. Yeah, me too! Brilliant. PS. I am off to a four day break in Kent in April – I’ll send your regards when there!
James, I’m thrilled you enjoy my humour, and I’m especially thrilled you enjoyed my elf line… I laughed out loud as I wrote that one. I refuse to suffer for my art… I leave that to my readers. 😉 Ahh, Kent in April – the woodland walks, the bluebells, the castle-garden picnics, fish ‘n chips by the sea, cream teas and cox’s pippins! I’ve come over all nostalgic. I know you’re going to have fun. Do send my regards. I’ll be with you in spirit. Thank you for your lovely comment!
Susan, I wish I could take Auto-correct as lightly as you do. It is a terrible intrusion, isn’t it?
Clever poem!
Margaret, thank you! All laughter aside, you make a fair point. I am sure autocorrect is responsible for destroying many sweatfart’s dreams on Vandalism Day.
What a super fun poem Susan. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and laughing so much. My daughter constantly hits send without checking for misspells and the results can (sometimes) be quite funny.
Norma, thank you very much for your lovely comment, and what would life be without a few laughable mistakes. It’s great to hear you have a daughter who texts without checking – I’m sure it sparks some amusing conversations.