Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Has Second Thoughts
How do I hate you? Let me count the flaws:
I hate you for the sappy way you smile;
Your limping gait, as if you had the yaws;
Your vague uncertain dreaming, and the vile
Habit you have of staying far too long
After dessert is over. I detest
Your puerile, amateurish stabs at song,
And how your pants seem never to be pressed.
I can’t stand how you suck up to all folks
As if each loser were your lord and boss,
And how you turn our talks into daft jokes
By never comprehending that I’m cross;
But most of all, your vapid Pangloss air
Conjoined with that inane moronic stare.
Who Goes to Poetry Readings?
The flotsam and the jetsam of the literary scene:
The scribblers, the nonentities, the aging drama queen;
The crackpot from a mental ward whose eyes are bugging out;
The milquetoast Soul of Silence, and the disputatious lout;
The space cadets and loonies, and the stoners in a trance;
The matrons in their tweedy best—or polyester pants—
The academic retiree, the novelist manqué;
The nerdy undergraduate who’s got a lot to say;
The waif-like little poetess whose voice is barely heard;
The angry rebel writer with a conscience that’s been stirred;
The groupies and the culture freaks, the cougars and the whores;
The Jorie Graham wannabes, the haiku-spouting bores;
The open-mike performance clods who can’t compose a line;
And anyone who wants a glass of mediocre wine.
Joseph S. Salemi has published five books of poetry, and his poems, translations and scholarly articles have appeared in over one hundred publications world-wide. He is the editor of the literary magazine TRINACRIA and writes for Expansive Poetry On-line. He teaches in the Department of Humanities at New York University and in the Department of Classical Languages at Hunter College.
Mr. Salemi’s first sonnet reminds this reader of Catullus and Juvenal. The allusion from Voltaire is good; likewise, quotes, such as, “I can’t stand how you suck up to all folks, as if each loser were your lord and boss”.
While the second “sonnet’s” topic, I have delved into as well—through the sonnet—“the haiku-spouting bores”, etc. These two pieces make me think I was right to include Mr. Salemi in “Update on the Sonnet” at the beginning of the NewMillennium in 2000; his talent there continues.
I just love to see form used in inspiring ways, and these two satirical sonnets have made my Thursday morning much sunnier. The images conjured in “Elizabeth Barrett Browning Has Second Thoughts” are so vivid, I can see and feel the presence of the recipient of these blazing barbs… perhaps that “moronic stare” indicates a resilience to rejection. Utterly hilarious.
“Who Goes to Poetry Readings?” is as scathingly vivid in its depiction – and the result is delightful. My favorite line is: “The groupies and the culture freaks, the cougars and the whores” – what a colorful picture it paints! By the time I got to the closing mediocre-wine line, my sides were aching.
In this pygmy-goat-stroking era of offending anyone and everyone, these sonnets should come with a warning for those who haven’t laughed in a while – I’ve heard that too much of a good thing can prove fatal. Joe, thank you!!
Your parody of Elizabeth Barrett Browning certainly does not emulate the “sappy” sonnets you so often skewer. It is more like the wires for hair found in a Shakespeare sonnet. I was holding my breath expecting a twist at the end but instead was surprised by a twisted end.
“Who Goes to Poetry Readings” is reminiscent of the Bohemian poetry readings in smoke filled dens of the 1950s. Your extremely detailed descriptions of the denizens almost makes me conclude you may have visited on or two of them in your distant past.
I join Susan in praise of your marvelous talents that are both entertaining and absorbing comedic theater.